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OpEdNews Op Eds    H3'ed 2/1/10

The 2011 Poulan Weed Eater State of the Union Speech

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Message Allan Goldstein
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We've just had the last, boring, State of the Union speech to be given under the old rules limiting corporate money in politics. Thank goodness that's over with.

Until now, these speeches have been sorely lacking in entertainment value. Barack Obama did his usual inspiring job of it Wednesday night, and no sooner was he finished than the pundits and politicos began picking it apart.

You could just feel the reaction on Capitol Hill and the network studios: No Sale. Same as it ever was.

Well, next year all that changes! The government will be funded, sponsored and controlled by the one institution that knows how to sell products to America. The Corporations.

I can hardly wait. In fact, I won't. Here's what it will sound like, next year, when the pros are running the show.

Live! From the Fed Ex Capitol in Washington DC, The Cable News Network brings you the Poulan Weed Eater State of the Union Speech!

Hosted by Anderson Cooper, Ryan Seacrest, Ellen DeGeneres, and, down on the red carpet, Taylor Swift.

Starring Barack Obama, The Revlon House of Representatives, The StarKist Senate, The Justices of the Supreme Court sponsored by Cialis, and a cast of thousands.

"Good evening, America. I'm Anderson Cooper and I'm not gay. Tonight I'll be joined by my good friends Ryan Seacrest and Ellen DeGeneres as we bring you our once-a-year spectacular, The Poulan Weed Eater State of the Union Speech!

"The excitement is running high as the President makes his way into the chamber, it looks like we're going to have a gala night, Ryan."

"How right you are, Anderson. We're all waiting to hear what the President has to say. This is always a proud moment for Democracy, brought to you by Apple, home of the new iPad Maxi. But if you're like me, you're mostly looking forward to the fabulous commercials. The State of the Union is second only to the Super Bowl as an advertising spectacular. I can hardly wait to see what they come up with this year!"

"Me too, Ryan. I see we're about to begin. Let's send it down to Michael Buffer for the introductions."

"Ladies and gentlemen, tonight, live on CNN, The Poulan Weed Eater State of the Union Speech! Brought to you by Pfizer, in association with Don King Productions, and Corona, La Cerveza Mas Fina!

"And now, for the thousands in attendance and the millions watching us around the world". Let's get ready to Gruuumbllle!

"In the Texaco Podium corner, weighing in at a fit and ready 187 pounds, from Chicago, Illinois, by way of Honolulu, Hawaii, Barack "The Kenyan Kid" Obama!

"And in the Kodak Gallery corner, weighing in at a noisy 120 decibels, his 535 challengers, the Visa Card-Carrying Democrats, the Rolling Rock-Ribbed Republicans and Joe "Hell if I Know" Lieberman!

"The Speaker of the House will now give instructions"."

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San Francisco based columnist, author, gym rat and novelist. My book, "The Confessions of a Catnip Junkie" is the best memoir ever written by a cat. Available on, or wherever fine literature is sold with no sales tax collected. For (more...)
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