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G.I. Jesus -Thank god I am not religious. (Satire)

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Author 26561
Message Tim Cerantola

In the dark last days of mankind, in a world ruled by fear and hate, a ragtag renegade group of Americans led by Jesus Christ himself are fighting back. Get ready for mayhem. Get ready for destruction. Get ready for Armageddon. The final battle between good and evil is on. God is pissed, and he’s coming after you! 

(Armageddon is rated PG-14 for gratuitous scenes of extreme violence and wrathful smiting and may not be suitable for minors). 

I watched this morning as the [fundamentalist] Christians cheerleaded Israel's invasion of Gaza from their pulpits. The 'end times' are upon us, they claim. Thank god I am not a believer(?)  

There is a weird brand of Christianity in America these days. It’s a mixed up evangelical brew consisting of Jesus, bigotry and atomic war. 


Like any decent group of Jesus loving people, these God fearing souls actually support war, torture, bombings, killing of innocent civilians and any and all American (and lately Israeli) military intervention everywhere, including the use of nuclear weapons – whatever it takes to get them to the Armageddon party – though oddly enough, they’re against terrorists and terrorism. Why? What’s the difference?


For some reason, Christianity’s religious zealots cannot see the irony when they accuse Islam’s religious zealots of inciting war and religious extremism.


Is it not total hypocrisy when Christians encourage their political leaders to war – shouldn’t they be pushing for peace? You know, that ‘turn the other cheek’ stuff from the New Testament.


There appear to be two completely antithetical types of Christians: the peace loving, care for the sick, feed the poor types with their loving and forgiving Jesus and God. And the nasty, bloodthirsty, Old Testament types with their wrathful god of smiting, thunderbolt tossing and pestilence – heavy on the friggin’ pestilence.


Yes, these are the Christian soldiers that believe if you pray hard enough, god will kill your enemies for you. (He also accepts prayers for sporting victories too).


From my point of view, this “end times” business is nothing but a sleazy commercial enterprise that has produced far too many books, crooks, schmucks and, most recently, political leaders.


Seriously, if these end times people really believe Armageddon is nearly upon us, why are they so profit motivated?


Why don’t they give away their books and tapes for free - or at least at cost? Seriously, why can’t you guys save our souls at cost? If the world is going to end soon, what good is getting rich going to do you?


Getting rich off god is what most politically powerful Christians of political influence do best as they busily grease the wheels of America’s war machine from their television pulpits each day. These “Christians” gleefully encourage their government’s incessant war posturing, constitutional crack-downs on freedoms and overtures to future wars against anyone they brand with the “evil” label – not to mention, calling for the assassination of democratically elected foreign leaders if the mood strikes them.


From a “love thy neighbour” point of view, death and destruction hardly seem like a good way of promoting Jesus - but who said anything about THAT Jesus – that wimpy, peace-mongering, turn-the-other-cheek mama’s boy!


Today’s Christians speak of a different Jesus. They’re talking about that gun totting, grenade tossing, and holy killing machine, G.I. JESUS! Boo-yaw! He’s mean, he’s tough, he’s gonna kick your unholy butt.

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Tim Cerantola's humour and political satire has been published in over 25 magazines and newspapers. When he is not pretending to be a writer, he works at a real job working with autistic and special needs children.
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