A United spokesman, Murray Langdon said, "our goal is horizontal integration".
The spokesman for United elaborated, "we've been working on this deal for a long time. We want to extend our healthcare services to not only the sick and the dying but also to those that are less fortunate----the dead".
Murray Langdon, United RP spokesman continued, "it's a perfect fit for UnitedHealth. It will complete our mission statement of being an all-purpose, comprehensive healthcare provider. Not only will Americans be able to have their healthcare insurance through United but should an individual have a pre-existing condition and not be able to get the treatment they need to survive they will be able to rely on United to provide them with the most appropriate funeral arrangements for their needs."
"It's all about choice, Mr. Langdon proclaimed, "whether you are dead or alive, you should have the right to choose what doctors you want, what hospitals you want, and what casket you want."
"Since UnitedHealth has a direct hand in making life and death decisions for you and your doctor there is no reason why you shouldn't have the same faith in us to make the same efficient and patient-based decisions regarding your death and your burial".
Generally, UnitedHealth will take care of all the details surround your death in the hospital where we will make sure you have no unnecessary costly tests that may inadvertently save your life. Once you are dead, United will take care of your autopsy needs, the transport of your body from hospital bed to hospital morgue and then off to a fully staffed UnitedHealth funeral parlor.
You may select from an "in-network" funeral parlor at a reduced cost in one of our PFPO (Preferred Funeral Parlor Options) policies, or you will have the full choice to go "out-of-network" for a minor astronomical fee. The choice is yours, assured Murray Langdon, for United.
With your autopsy results you will also receive a "Certificate of Authenticity" stating whether you died from a "pre-existing condition" that was not covered, or from a disease on United's list of medical conditions that are not covered under your policy, or from one of the many limitations that we have on your coverage that can result in your death. It will all be laid-out for you, as you yourself are laid-out by UnitedHealth Funeral Services.
Your "Certificate of Authenticity" will be signed by the CEO of UnitedHealth as well as by the doctor who was denied the most in reimbursements; and please be aware that we at the United team appreciate your contribution to cutting costs when it comes to your healthcare. Every dollar saved after all, is a dollar that can be spent on shareholder dividends, stock options for our Executive Staff, bonuses for our CEO, and other worthy causes for which United is well known.
We at United realize that it is difficult to go from a person who is in perfect health to a person who is dead and once again our mission is to make that wonderful journey not only your last journey but also one of the most enjoyable and memorable.
Remember. When you are down--------you can count on UnitedHealth.
In today's every changing healthcare landscape there is no reason to be uncovered once you are dead. At UnitedHealth we always stress that life may be fleeting, but being dead is forever. Therefore, United wants to be your provider from birth to death.
When you are born, UnitedHealth no doubt assured that you and your mother spent a comfortable twelve hours in the hospital (24 hours for births with major complications), so there is no reason to look elsewhere for your lifetime health needs.
Throughout your life, whatever your medical needs; whether you have hemorrhoids, chronic diabetes, asthma, AID's, the common cold, a sexually transmitted disease, or simply end-stage terminal cancer, UnitedHealth will help you through the various appeals processes and denials of coverage so that you will fully understand the comprehensive benefits that UnitedHealth has to offer.
Millions of people rely on UnitedHealth for not only destroying their health but also for destroying their financial life and their retirement. We have specialists that can help you through all the ins-and-outs of filing for bankruptcy due to overwhelming medical expenses.
We at UnitedHealth are the experts that the experts turn to when it comes to bilking the American public and milking each and every policyholder of everything they are worth.