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Startling New Details of Trump's Plan to Make America Great Again (Satire)

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During an exclusive one-on-one interview, the former TV star impersonator turned President of the United States revealed his "final solution" for restoring America to greatness. Seated in the White House beneath a portrait of Andrew Jackson, the President immediately launched into a diatribe about what appeared to be a point of great irritation --

President (POTUS): Some people, mostly despicable and dishonest media people, say America doesn't need to be made great again, even though that's a lie. America's a mess, a disaster - worse than Aleppo. But I have a plan to change all that. Frankly I have lots of plans, good plans - good ideas, amazing ideas - ideas people who voted for me will love. In fact, since you look like a guy who would've voted for me (K-Mart caucasian), I'll give you an exclusive. I'll tell you about the first step in my amazing plan for America. Ready?

Interviewer (I): Sure.

POTUS: Frankly, we have two very, very big problems in this country - I mean besides the weak, sexually frustrated leaders - we have two problems to take care of so America can be great again.

The first is bringing back all the jobs we've lost because weak leaders - the donkeycrats - gave them away with their shameful trade deals. But we can't do that unless we find a way to reduce the cost of labor. We need low, really low wages. What's the best way to do that? Eliminate wages. How? (Raises a finger on his tiny right hand)One word. S-L-A-V-E-R-Y.

I: (Pause) Slavery?

POTUS: Yes! We'll bring back slavery. Why not? (Raises one bushy eyebrow) The rest of the world is doing it! That's how we lost all those factory jobs. They went to sweatshops down in Mexico - and over to those godless commies. They use slaves. Everybody knows it. We should do the same thing - we have to level the field so everybody's playing with the same balls.

Would lying Hillary ever think of that? Would Bernie the socialist? I don't think so. You know why? They're weak and they're not as rich as I am. I'm tough - and rich! Even so, I like Hillary and Bernie a lot, and frankly, they like me too! The glances I shared with them at my amazingly successful and hugely attended inauguration - after I scolded Melania for something - I can't remember what - were very cordial.

I: But don't some of your family businesses import products from those same countries?

POTUS: Who says that? No - not true! More lies from the dishonest media. I'm not wasting time discussing lies. Hope I wasn't wrong about you. (Pause) But as I was saying, slave labor is common in backward countries.

I: Well, I don't think they're actually slaves.

POTUS: Maybe not technically, but they get paid so little, they're like slaves. They might as well be. But frankly, it's no big deal - they've got all they need. They have clothes and food and a roof over their heads - all the necessities - so what else?

And quite frankly, slavery has a history that a lot of people think is bad, but that's just not true. The slave trade made the South rich, not to mention the United States government.

I: Well, it certainly made some people rich, but what did it do for the slaves?

POTUS: Come on, it's not like they worked for nothing. They got food and clothes. They got to live in buildings instead of huts, or yurts, or whatever they're called. They got job promotions to things like overseers and head cooks and nannies. And they didn't have to worry about getting fired, which by the way, I know how to do better than anybody. Just ask that phony Attorney General I just dumped. (nods head vigorously)

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Retired, reformed capitalist, recovering consumer, quasi-luddite, artist, self-published poet, spiritual growth activist, animal rights advocate and Reiki master - originally from New Jersey, now living near the great urban experiment called (more...)

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