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OpEdNews Op Eds    H4'ed 4/7/09

Sarah Smile

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Alaska Governor Sarah Palin must be a big fan of the Chief of Crazyville, radio and television nut-ball Glenn Beck. How else to explain her rant today that President Obama’s reduction in spending for the cartoonish, Reagan-era holdover (the Fantasy That Will  Not Die), SDI, aka "Star Wars," the gibbering idiocy that has been pushed by the right wing for 25 years and has redirected billions in tax dollars from programs in desperate need of funding to the off-shore accounts of military contractors, yada-yada-yada. . . that somehow Obama’s reduction in spending for this sick fantasy has rendered Alaska vulnerable to a (gasp) nuclear attack!!!!!!

Drooling threats to freedom and sanity such as Beck -- he of the darting eyes -- apparently have convinced Palin, still reeling from her daughter’s public confession that she -- the daughter -- and her boyfriend sometimes had sex without a condom (which just might explain the younger Palin’s surprise, um, pregnancy), that this week’s missile “launch” by North Korea is a dire threat to Alaska. In a prepared statement, released by her office, Palin said, “I am deeply concerned with North Korea’s development and testing program which has clear potential of impacting Alaska, a sovereign state of the United States, with a potentially nuclear armed warhead.”

An example of clinical paranoia directly from the Beck (aka The Cowardly Lion) song-book. Ah, but there’s more: “I can’t emphasize enough (she warned) how important it is that we continue to develop and perfect the global missile defense network. Alaska’s strategic location and the system in place here have proven invaluable in defending the nation…Our early opposition to reduced funding for the Missile Defense Agency is proving to be well-founded during this turbulent time.”

Sarah, Sarah, Sarah. Sit down. Stop listening to Fox psychopaths, take a deep breath. Have a cup of tea or chew some whale blubber, whatever you folks do up there to ease tension. Look, Guv, there’s an element here you may have missed. The test was a total f*cking disaster!!!  The scary missile wound up in the ocean!!  In the deep part. Geoffrey E. Forden, a missile expert at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology said,  ”It’s got to be embarrassing. I can imagine heads flying if the ‘Dear Leader’ finds out the satellite didn’t fly into orbit.”  The “Dear Leader” reference there, Guv, is to the name North Koreans are obliged to use when speaking of Kim Jong-il, North Korea’s, well -- governor. Like it?

So, those reports of music wafting down from the missile’s speaker system as it spun merrily in earth orbit, music composed by Dear Leader and his daddy, Dead And Decomposing Leader, are, um, bullshit. Couldn’t you tell by the titles the North Korean Ministry of Orbital Music said were playing? “The People Rise And Fill Their Rice Bowls.”  “The  Mountains Weep With Joy As They See Our Missile Command The Sky.”  “Glenn Beck Is A Total a**hole.”

Take a break, Guv. Chill, so to speak. Everything’s under control. No North Korean missile is heading your way with a huge canister of megadeath; Obama forgives your nasty rejection of government stimulus money and will send the check anyway, Bristol has finally agreed to use condoms (thank God!), and Hubby just pulled in the driveway with another truck-load of machine-gunned moose. So, break out your skinning knife and get to work.

Life is good.

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Mike Malloy is a former writer and producer for CNN (1984-87) and CNN-International (2000). His professional experience includes newspaper columnist and editor, writer, rock concert producer and actor. He is the only radio talk show host in America to have received the A.I.R (Achievement in Radio) Award in both (more...)
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