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OpEdNews Op Eds    H4'ed 6/6/19

SATIRE: If women mandated against abortions, Missourian men need vasectomies

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By Robert Weiner and John Black

Earlier this month, Missouri Gov. Mike Parson signed into law the "Stand for the Unborn Act." The "heartbeat" bill bans abortion after a fetal heartbeat can be detected, which can occur as early as eight weeks, when most women don't even know they are pregnant.

The new bill is also a "trigger law," meaning if the Supreme Court we're to reverse Roe v. Wade, an automatic abortion ban would be implemented across the entire state, except in cases of medical emergency.

Parson is leading the charge in the right direction, but the Governor and the white republican men in the Missouri House and Senate that voted to pass the bill aren't going quite far enough.

Our initial thought was to tax women monthly when they shed their uterine lining, which in fact kills potential children, but too many of our women opponents claim that it's "not a choice." We conclude that what Missouri really needs is mandatory vasectomies for all men born in the state of Missouri.

Outlawing abortion is great to preserve the lives of those innocent babies, but by implementing the "New Modest Proposal" Gov. Parson would become a national champion of reproductive rights. Women incapable of willingly carrying child to fulfillment would have the opportunity to do so completely stripped from her until a man makes the decision for her.

The policy would set forth the jurisdiction of the Missouri government over all male children born into Missouri territory, mandating the vasectomy procedure soon after birth--similar to the severing of the umbilical cord or circumcision. Parents may also reserve the right to defer the surgery, allowing the male child the decision upon when they receive the procedure, until the age of 13 years old or the commencement of puberty, whichever comes first.

Only when legally married will men be able to have the vasectomy reversed. We understand the reversal process may seem dangerous on the surface, but according to a study from Cornell University, "whether a man had a vasectomy this year or 15 years ago, there was no difference in the pregnancy rate achieved following a vasectomy reversal, with an average 84-percent likelihood of pregnancy over two years." Comparatively men who have never had a vasectomy can expect a pregnancy rate of 90-percent, a minimal variance considering the enormous benefits.

Not only would the mandatory vasectomy be 100-percent effective in eliminating abortions, the Cornell study also shows that it is a "more cost-effective option...and is covered by health insurance."

Those who fail to follow the law will face the highest punishment possible. Consider this, a young man, age 13, never underwent the vasectomy procedure. With the culmination of hormones and puberty, the child may begin to ponder the possibilities of his reproductive organ. Thus, he masturbates, upon which he will literally be murdering up to five million children in a single stroke.

Five million children that could be the next great scientist, engineer, or politician. Five million children that could cure cancer, design the next transformative technology, or be President of the United States.

Violation of the "New Modest Proposal" resulting in the murder of five million children calls for prosecution to the fullest extent of the law--the death penalty. And if by chance, a violator of the law impregnates a woman before being legally married, Missouri shall draw off the original "Modest Proposal." If the couple decides they do not want the child, then "at a year old it will be offered in sale to the persons of quality and fortune...always advising the mother to let them suck plentifully of the last month, so as to render them plump and fat for a good table."

The "New Modest Proposal" will make abortion an obscure, archaic and barbaric practice of the past. Not only that, but in conjunction with the original "Modest Proposal"--by offering the unwanted children as food for the wealthy--orphan, poverty, and crime rates will decrease drastically.

Missouri's leadership on reproductive rights will significantly shape the future of our country. Operating only in the interest of the public good of the country, the "New Modest Proposal" will pave the way to a brighter, better United States of America.

Robert Weiner was a spokesman for the Clinton and Bush White House and the U.S. House Government Operations Committee. John Black has a BA in Literature at the University of South Florida and is a policy analyst at Robert Weiner Associates and Solutions for Change.

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