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Roughing the Rusher

By       Message Allan Goldstein       (Page 1 of 2 pages)     Permalink    (# of views)   No comments

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Rush Limbaugh, America's Rectum of the Radio, will not get the chance to spread his malodorous flatus on yet another industry. The NFL said no, thanks.

This was big news the past couple of days. TV was all over it, like white on whitey. They teased it mercilessly: "Sack of stank sacked by NFL! Film at eleven."

Then there was the headline in Variety: "Karma Kicks Konservative Krazy in Keister!"

In a way it's too bad. Rush had a good shot at winning the 2010 Marge Schott Memorial Award for Blowhard Bigotry in American Sports Franchising.

Rush got the old heave-ho when the other prospects in his ownership group realized he was contagious. There is no way the NFL owners would vote a guy that radioactive into their club. You can be as loopy as Al Davis or as degenerate as the Hunt brothers, no problem. But with labor relations decaying and a possible strike or lockout already on the near horizon, the NFL didn't need this.

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About 70% of NFL players are African American and they don't like him, mostly. "I wouldn't play for that fat duck if I sat on him till he quacked," is almost what they said. It's as close as I can get to their words on a family blog.

Rush is firing back now, saying he got race-baited by Obama's cronies in the media and the cowards in the NFL.

He has a point. The league wasn't crazy about his proposal to change the name of the team from the St. Louis Rams to the Missouri Vicodins or the St. Louis Thugs. They didn't think that was appropriate for children.

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But that's not why he got sacked. The liberals didn't do it. The capitalists did.

That's the beauty part. Rush got done in by capitalism! He got the full leper treatment because he was bad for business. Nobody censored him and no liberal threw him under the bus (where is that bus, anyway, the one that keeps driving over people? I think the driver may be impaired, by, like, Oxycontin or something.)

The NFL didn't even have to vote on the guy. I heard one of Rush's supporters (excuse me a second, that word gave me a visual and I have to puke". Ok, I'm back.) say what happened to him amounted to a "high tech lynching." Well, if so, the NFL didn't get their hands dirty. His "partners" did the hit for them. That's one thing you gotta love about capitalists, no sentiment.

"Hey Rush, you're getting in the way of our bid. See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya! Peace, out."

Still, there's no getting around the fact that having Rush in the league would have been a risky proposition. He would have cost the networks too much advertising. All those booze ads with P. Diddy? Gone. That Miller High Life guy who repossess the beer from yuppies? History. Dennis Haysbert pitching for Allstate? Policy cancelled.

But they could have made some of those losses up. The American Association of Teabaggers was ready to pony up for a spot, and I understand the Alabama Robe and Noose Company was interested as well.

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But you know businessmen. No courage. They said what all Americans say when the gods of commerce are faced with controversy. "I'm taking my business elsewhere."

Bless their covetous little hearts.

But a part of me regrets their decision. Rush with an even higher profile might have been fun to see. The man already has an ego bigger than his ass, and his ass is so big I was sure that Balloon Boy was trapped in the crack. Thank God Rush made a soft landing and that kid was safely tucked into a box in his father's hoax, uh, I mean house.

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San Francisco based columnist, author, gym rat and novelist. My book, "The Confessions of a Catnip Junkie" is the best memoir ever written by a cat. Available on, or wherever fine literature is sold with no sales tax collected. For (more...)

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