Republican linguists propose outlawing oxymorons, sarcasm. A little-known group of analysts at Herbert Hoover College has adapted scanning technology to reveal intent of statements. "All those references to 'military intelligence', 'male sensitivity', and 'Republican science' will be prohibited under this new law. No more caustic sarcasm will be allowed.We will end the mean-spirited practice of making fun of Republicans. We are serious."
Republican scientists have invented a new one-color rainbow. "We call it "a harmonious monotony"," said a spokesman. Only one problem: it is invisible. "We had trouble with that, at first, then we realized, it's like the Emperor's New Clothes, we had to rely on faith", said one Republican, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "A white rainbow expresses all that is important in Republican life and eliminates those messy other colors."
Republican Theologian claims Bible implies God approves racist discrimination. "Notice, in Genesis, God says 'Let there be light'," said the GOP religious theorist, "not 'Let there be dark'-- there was already dark. And God separated the light from the dark.That's why we sleep at night, because we can't see in the dark and the dark is scary. Dark people are scary, too. If God didn't want us to be afraid of the dark He would have given us night-vision."
In other news, a GOP spokesperson is claiming poll results may be unfair, since Republicans need to have the questions read to them, and they don't trust Democrats.
Also: Republican nuclear physicist claims radioactive waste doing God's work. "Nucular Waste is all part of Intelligent Design," she said, "Radioactivity creates mutation, which helps God weed out Democrats and other rejects like non-whites. Doesn't the Bible tell us two heads are better than one?"
Republican legislators are supporting an initiative to put pictures on voting ballots.
"The only alternative to pictures is to have Democrats read the ballots for us," said an un-named Republican. "GOP scientists have discovered that, while ignorance can be cured, stupidity is incurable. Blood transfusions from literate Democrats are not working."
In GOP Health News:
Out-pouring of aid attempts to save poor Republicans
A wave of tragic events following the last election has revealed the urgency of retraining huge numbers of Republican voters. GOP reports widespread facial burns from suicide attempts due to burning lips on muffler pipes. Republicans have been arrested for trying to charge entrance fees to public parks at gunpoint. Republican children are going crazy from trying to draw with white crayons. Records of Republican voters have been destroyed by those attempting to conceal illiteracy from the authorities. "We read the Bible," one said, "Not the Encyclopedia Britannica-- it's not even American."
--Immigrants are cautioned to avoid Republican gated communities.--
But, worst of all, serious disease has been diagnosed in the Republican populace. Waves of rickets and scurvy have been found among Republicans, unused to poverty, attempting to survive by eating food stamps. Education efforts have been so far hampered by gun-wielding Republicans who fear "libral" attempts to bring them actual food. "Librul government is sending us food stamps and telling us we can't eat them. Don't try to fool us. It says "Food" right there on the wrapper."
Attempts at education having been useless or worse, inciting violence, the US Army has been brought in to truck masses of Republicans to the countryside, where it is hoped they can re-learn what is food by picking vegetables. This measure also relieves dependence on illegal immigrants, who have been disappearing from Republican towns.
Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter have been enlisted in the effort to save Republicans from incurable terminal stupidity. Limbaugh has admonished Republicans to get out of gated communities, where they are starving to death, and find nutrition. He said, "Too many Mexican and Oriental gardeners have been disappearing, they're gonna figure it out. Destroy the evidence. Run away. Dress up like Indians or Moslems, whom no one suspects of terminal stupidity." Of those few Republicans who still hold jobs, Limbaugh said, "Just keep getting dressed for work. Your money may be worthless, your well-paying jobs gone, your children serving in Iraq, but surely working two part-time jobs for minimum wage will show the Bush family and the oil companies that you are faithful and obedient, even if it won't pay enough to heat your home or feed your family. Just wait till next election, when Jeb runs for office."
Ann Coulter, who recently had her wired-together-jaw unwired, spoke briefly at a rally of Republican part-time workers in Alabama. She was quoted as saying, 'It's all Clinton's fault-- and Carter, and FDR-- and all the oh-so-righteous Democrats going back to that first traitor, George Washington, who freed his slaves at his death. Their offspring took your jobs, causing this economic disaster." A committee of GOP doctors subsequently re-wired Coulter's jaw against her will, insisting it was for the good of the Party.
Public Plea: If you are a Republican voter, do not-- repeat, Do Not Eat The Food Stamps or, except in absolute emergencies, the undocumented immigrants.