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Psychiatrists Identify New Phobias

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Phonephobia: The fear that the clever message you just left on someone's cell phone was actually incredibly stupid.

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Giftaphobia: The fear that you just mailed a re-gift to the same person who originally gave you the gift.

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Megabytephobia: The fear that your user-friendly computer is becoming user-annoying.

Gigabytephobia: The fear that your user-friendly computer is becoming user-argumentative.

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Octoballoonboyphobia: The fear that some boring, self-important nitwit will dominate the news for a month.

Joephobia: The fear (held by men named Joseph) that their first names have become synonymous with idiot. Also known as WilsonLiebermanThePlumberphobia.

Remotephobia: The fear that your universal remote will automatically activate a nuclear missile launch.

WhoIsBobaphobia? & WhoIsSharonophobia? The fear that, during intercourse, your partner is thinking about somebody else.

Dogfoodaphobia: The fear that the corned beef hash you just ate was actually Alpo.

Draculaphobia: The fear that the medical lab technician drawing your blood is actually a vampire.

Yuckaphobia: The fear that one day you'll walk around for eight hours with a noticeably large booger hanging out of your nose, and not realize it until you get home and look in the mirror.

Charminophobia: The fear of running out of toilet tissue at a party, a business conference or at a first-time-having-sex-with-a-new-person experience.

Fidophobia: The fear that your dog secretly hates your guts.

Jokeaphopbia: The fear that you will be in the middle of telling a joke and forget the punch line.

Joiliephobia: The fear that People magazine will do yet another cover story on Angelina Jolie. This is similar to Annistonphobia, Pittphobia, among others.

Cheapaphobia : The fear that the gift you've just given someone - a coffee table book from Barnes & Noble's bargain remainder table -- still has the price sticker on it.

Amanaphobia: The fear that you've left the gas stove on after vacating your house for a long trip. This phobia generally occurs just after you've reached your destination. A similar phobia is buttphobia, the fear that you've left a cigarette burning on the edge of the kitchen counter, just above the trash can.

Oshkoshaphobia: The fear that you've boarded the wrong train or bus. In the typical Oskoshaphobe's worst case scenario, he realizes that the first landmark or city he has passed is located in the opposite direction of his destination. One advantage to this phobia is that its sufferers get the opportunity to visit places they never wanted to visit.

Endorsephobia: The fear that you will not be able to correctly reproduce your signature when endorsing a large check in front of a bank teller.

AdobeJavaphobia: The fear that if you download software updates your computer will crash.

Robotophobia: The fear that the company you work for will replace you with a robot that is not only more efficient, but cuter and more personable than you.

Hunphobia : The fear that you will be attacked by an errant tribe of Visigoths if you do not carry a Capital One Visa card.

Crusoephobia : The fear that you will be marooned on a deserted island with only one soggy dose of Zoloft and a flat volleyball.


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John Blumenthal has been a professional comedy writer for 25 years. A former associate editor and columnist at Playboy Magazine (following a short stint at Esquire), he's written 8 books and 2 produced movies. His films include "Short Time," (major (more...)

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