In a startling announcement to the nation, President Bush, today, has given the pink slip to more than 25 million Americans, most of whom are over the age of 65 and are living on a fixed income from the government. In perhaps his most historic and last televised address to the nation last night, President Bush has made it clear that he is looking at every program and funding option in order to reduce government spending to the max. Here is his speech in full:
“My fellow American,” stated the President, “I understand your concerns, I feel your pain, and I empathize with your current financial situation. I have assembled a team of crackheads, er crack economists who head their respective fields of expertise, to pour over every program, every outlay, and every dispense, and find anything and everything unnecessary to the wellbeing of this administration with the goal of eliminating all excess funding from government in the true style of the great conservatives of the past; men like Herbert Hoover, Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan. These giants stepped up to the plate when America needed them the most.
“Herbert Hoover saw America’s need in 1929. He could see how the average investor was being taken to the cleaners so he invented the vacuum cleaner. But he didn’t stop there. When average Americans were losing their job right and left, when families saw their fortunes disappear almost overnight, and when the Mom and Pop shops across our great land were locked out of their financial future as bank after bank padlocked their doors shut and armed their cashiers with sawed-off shotguns and enough ammo to make Hitler blush, President Hoover leapt into action. He created Hoovervilles, towns built out of nothing where these people could congregate, plan for their future, and strategize how they will rise from the morass of poverty they found themselves in. President Hoover presided over one of the largest reductions in government spending in the history of our nation.
“Likewise, President Nixon entered the oval office during one of this country’s darkest moments. As the spread of Communism crept across Asia like a large, flour-covered rolling pin, and America split up into two camps, one favoring the entire nuclear destruction of all Communists while the other camp wallowed in the muck and mire of pinko terminology and mamby-pamby peace policies, President Nixon rose to the occasion as only a true Conservative can. Realizing that the US economy would never be able to continue its predestined march towards world liberation and offshore dumping of American jobs to China as long as it adhered to a centuries old fallacy of using gold as a guarantor of the US dollar, President Nixon boldly removed the gold constraint and, thus, liberated US banks from the yoke of accountability. His bold action allowed the US to forever increase its economic debt without the worry of having to inventory sufficient amounts of gold as a guarantee of the dollar’s value. And history has shown time and again how his incredible foresight allowed the US to end the war in Vietnam successfully and bring about the golden age of American economic debt and nonstop spending on the steadfast American virtues first hailed by President Dwight D, Eisenhower, the military-industrial complex.
“And even President Ronald Reagan, when faced with the immense adversities of an economy on the edge of despair and a public about to explode over the increases spending on foreign goods, especially Japanese autos. President Reagan knew exactly what to do, and with the conservative philosophy of free trade for all, he slapped a huge import tariff on Japan’s automakers thus ensuring that inferior and more expensive American-made cars would not lose their market share. But his expertise didn’t end there. He also presided over the largest increase in foreign debt as well as overall national debt in the history of the United States up to that moment. He even created some of the largest spending on the military-industrial complex up to that point, personally spearheading many of those programs himself. Who could ever forget the daring plan affectionately known as “Star Wars” with its ever unfulfilled promise of protecting the US from foreign missile attack with a price tag into the tens of billions of dollars. He may have created a boondoggle inferior to none, but he also created the largest military economy in history.
“These honorable former presidents all had one thing in common, they were all dedicated to the sound principles of modern conservatism. Each in his own way confronted his distinct problem with the same basic principle of corporate socialism and public capitalism that has become the hallmark of the conservative movement.
“And so it is that today, under terrific pressure by all sides to be logical and help out the man on the street, I have decided to take one giant and bold step towards America’s recovery and restoration as the global bully we have all come to love and admire. Along with my incredible staff of ex-felons, I have come to the conclusion that the easiest way to reduce federal costs in the immediate, is to fire all those who have been shirking their duty as Americans and have become dependent on federal bailouts year after year under a program called Social Security. These lazy people have for years expected Uncle Sam to send them monthly checks under the false notion that just because they are retired, they don’t need to work anymore. In short, the US government has been sending them free money for decades without even the simplest requirement that they try to find decent employment. This waste of American taxpayer money must stop.
“So I have instructed my government to cease and desist all future payments to these freeloaders. They will no longer be eligible for taxpayer monies unless and until they can prove that they have been actively looking for stable employment for at least 30 hours per week. On behalf of all hard-working Americans who struggle everyday with two jobs just to be able to be foreclosed on the home. Those lily-livered , gold-bricking, supposed “retirees” have come to the end of their subsidized train’s voyage. They are either with the economy, or they are not.
“I am strongly in favor of this new policy for several reasons. The first is the fact that we will immediately cut tens of billions of dollars from our yearly budget. It is hoped that, in the near future, this cut would allow us to put the military costs back into the regular budget instead of their current status as a stand alone expense not covered by government’s annual budget. Second, these millions of new workers will be able to fill the many low paying, menial jobs that most Americans avoid. In fact, these may be the only jobs they can still perform. Third, it will create an even greater demand for pharmaceutical products which will become increasingly necessary as these elderly go into cardiac arrest or temporal seizure while working.
“As you can plainly see, this new policy will not only reduce the overall American budget significantly, it will also fill the growing need for workers earning minimum wage or less. I’m sure that you join me in promoting this policy of returning America to its original roots long before Social Security ever existed. Our great country deserves nothing less. Thank you and, as the dyslectics would say, may Dog bless America.”