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Of Barbie, Ken and Tiger Woods

By   Follow Me on Twitter     Message Patricia A. Smith       (Page 1 of 1 pages)     Permalink

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opednews.com Headlined to H2 12/9/09

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Over the years, I've had my share of pet peeves and nicknames. I can remember a friend in high school who got very excited when a boy she liked called her "baby". Her big brown eyes would swell up with tears of love as she made whimpering puppy sounds and exclaimed, "He called me BAY bee!" Like the cafeteria food wasn't enough to make me want to vomit. It's not long before he might be calling you, "b*tch" I would think to myself. After all, both words begin with the letter "B". Then again, so does Barbie and we'll get to her in a minute.

Not that I'm the unsentimental type. I've had a lot of nicknames in my life. But as soon as a man starts using pet names at all times instead of my real one, I get a little peeved and suspect one of two things: Either he can't remember my name or worse, there are 18 different telephone numbers under the name, "Babe". Sorry, Tiger; I'm a hole in one type of girl. Your driver is not coming anywhere near my address.

"Sweet thing" and "Sugar" sound really comforting coming out of the mouth of a smooth talking Southern man. So does "Would you like that in 50's or 100's?" With this economy it's not like a lot of people are hearing the latter. I haven't heard the former in years.

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"Sweetie" is a pet name that just gets on my nerves. If I hear one more sales clerk call me "Sweetie" I may have to get my first name legally changed just so I can ask, "How did you know my name?" the next time someone dares to call me that. Whatever happened to "Sir" or "Ma'am"? Call me b*tch old fashioned, but I am not anyone's sweetie when I am paying my hard earned money for goods and services. I'm an economist.

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I once dated a man who called me a lot of things. "Cutie" and "Honey" were two of his favorites. The problem was that he also called almost every female that moved he came in contact with "Cutie" and "Honey", too. My real name may as well have been "Dude".Another love interest of mine called me "Darling" in public and "Baby" in bed. Nothing wrong with that, you say? Dead wrong. When I was three years old, I used to play with my Barbie doll and sing a song I made up called "Darling Baby". On the off chance that this "boyfriend" in question was not too busy with everything and everyone else willing to have sex (which got progressively worse and less frequent), I couldn't get the song out of my head as I lay there wanting nothing more than to snap his head off and ride away on my pink dune buggy. A few years later, I realized and accepted that my hatred for dolls in general (and Barbie in particular) stemmed from this experience. It turns out the "boyfriend" was just like Ken; he lacked both personality and genitalia and was never gainfully employed.

I think that Barbie needs be discontinued or revamped to look like the tired, sexually frustrated addled woman that many women are destined to be. Mattel ought to give her a complete makeover with some hips, chronic fatigue and a few chin hairs. "PMS Barbie" and "Menopausal Barbie" will teach girls what the future holds. How about "Twice Divorced Barbie", "Stretch Mark Barbie" or "No More Crappy Sex Barbie"? I'd be happy to be the model for one or two of those prototypes. I would humbly suggest putting off "Golfer Groupie Barbie" for a few years. Instead, Mattel may want to consider focusing on giving Ken a conscience, vocabulary, a pair of balls and a schlong. And a job.

Don't get me wrong. Terms of endearment was a really great movie have their place, but we all have our names for a reason. I just don't want to be the victim of collective mistress identity theft. So take that, Tiger Ken. And the tramp sweetie non-menstruating Barbie(s) you rode in on.

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Patricia A. Smith is a writer and artist (and sometimes both at the same time). A former columnist, restaurant critic and cruise line executive, Smith has lived in London, Greece, Denmark, Hungary, Egypt, Costa Rica and France. She returned (more...)

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