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News from Afterlife

By       Message John Olsen       (Page 1 of 1 pages)     Permalink    (# of views)   No comments

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Ronald Reagan and Barry Goldwater are taking turns at the dunk tank at the Afterlife Eternal Carnival, where in place of water, Richard Nixon is dropped into a pit of fire and brimstone.

Jerry Ford is the honorary caddy at the "On the Eternal Afterlife Road Open", serving the foursome of Bob Hope, Bing Crosby, "Ike" Eisenhower, and Sam Snead.  However, Ford is not allowed to touch the clubs, because even though in Afterlife, nobody gets hurt, they do not want to take any chances.  Dorothy Lamour is the honorary ball washer.

William F. Buckley and Neal Cassady are touring to promote their book, "The Art of Public Speaking".

Richard J. Daley is directing Afterlife's Department of Streets and Sanitation, and with the backing of Joe Kennedy Sr., is plotting to overthrow the King and Queen, George Burns and Gracie Allen.  However, there is the eternal threat that Mike Royko will blow the whistle via his column in the Afterlife Daily News.

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J. Edgar Hoover is costarring with Quentin Crisp in the eternal run of the musical version of La Cage aux Folles at the Afterlife Theatre.  Liberace is the music director.

The Afterlife Federation of Labor has successfully coerced the Afterlife dairy industry into placing a photo of Jimmy Hoffa on every milk carton. (There is a rumor that Hoffa is hiding out at a football stadium in Limbo.)

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At the Afterlife Gun Club, FDR, Hunter S. Thompson, and William Burroughs are taking turns with a Ruger Redhawk, 44 magnum revolver, shooting apples off Eva Braun's head.  Ken Kesey is in charge of refreshments and Teddy Roosevelt is in charge of ordnance.

Abbie Hoffman and Jerry Rubin are heading the Afterlife Bureau of Investigation's Clown School, where they are administering to such students as John Mitchell, Spiro Agnew, and Nelson Rockefeller.

Harry Truman is the CEO of Afterlife Hats 'R' Us, which is currently in the state of Chapter 13 of the Afterlife Eternal Bankruptcy Act.  Investors in Truman's enterprise include Leona Helmsley and John DeLorean.  Stock certificates are being reserved for Charles Keating, Michael Milken, and Martha Stewart.

Mae West is staying upstairs at the Afterlife Eternal Hotel, where she has a space reserved under her bed for Bill Clinton's shoes.

John Kennedy is playing an eternal game of strip poker with Marilyn Monroe, Ava Gardner, Judith Campbell Exner, and Sam Gianconna.  There is a place reserved at the table for Phyllis McGuire.  Nikita Krushchev can only sit in the corner and watch.  There is a place in another corner reserved for Fidel Castro.  Bobby Kennedy is working the security detail at the door, fending off the likes of Peter Lawford and Frank Sinatra.  Meanwhile, Sinatra has Jilly Rizzo watching his back, keeping an eye out for Joe DiMaggio.  (A strange phenomenon involving Sinatra is that despite the laws of physics, Tom Dreeson is opening up for him at the Afterlife Casino.)

Everybody else is doing fine too.

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John Olsen knows virtually nothing about almost everything. He has a photo blog. He likes to perform on stage, preferably before a voluntary audience. In 1997,he became an activist about health care issues after he began overseeing his (more...)

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