News Alert: Doctors Find Rush Limbaugh Has No Heart Trouble.
After being taken to a Hawaiian hospital due to pain, Rush Limbaugh has been released from the Hawaii hospital and has held a press conference.The conservative talk show host stated that the Doctors found no heart trouble at all.
In fact, what the medical team found was that Limbaugh has no heart at all. In place of a heart they found a black rock. The team concluded that the pain the conservative talk radio host claimed he felt in Hawaii was just gas pain from eating too much luau pineapple and roast pig and from drinking excessive amounts of spiked coconut milk to wash down his Oxycontin and other prescriptions. Limbaugh immediately requested additional prescriptions for his pain.
Doctors wore surgical masks as they instructed Limbaugh to stick out his tongue. They quickly put an apple in his mouth and told him to say "oink" as they examined his digestive system.
Limbaugh was prescribed a laxative, more addictive painkillers, and told to sit on theJohn when he feels the gas pain again.
At the press conference, Limbaugh said that the Health Care System is working perfectly, and does not need any change whatsoever, and therefore Congress should reject any form of Health Care Reform. As for death panels, he said that if poor Democrats and Liberals have no health insurance, more of them will die sooner and be unable to vote, putting Jeb Bush in the White House much faster. The entire Bush family was reported to cheer when they heard this news.
When asked for further comment about his future plans, Limbaugh said that when he does his future radio shows, he will now mute the microphone when he passes gas. The Oxycontin has damaged Limbaugh's hearing and he cannot hear his own noise, including his statements. Listeners are advised to listen with caution, as it is impossible for Limbaugh or radio listeners to tell which end of Limbaugh the hot gas is coming from.
(This is fictional satire based upon recent events)
Tommy News is a peace and equal rights activist, citizen journalist, artist, and educator. He is active in Progressive politics, and regularly shares and blogs on the news of the day. His diverse interests include the Fine and Performing Arts, (more...