New York Genitals Fight for Office
... While Snowden Fights the Forces of Stupid
By Greg Palast
for Vice Magazine
Wednesday, 17 July 2013
Go ahead and shoot me. It's hopeless. My War on Stupid is facing defeat on every front.
I open up the New York Times
and there's a page one story about Anthony Weiner, who is now ahead in the race for Mayor of New York.
The article is 17 column inches long. I measured. The entire profile of
the candidate -- every bumpy, veined inch of it -- is about Mr Weiner's
It is, I admit, a really famous
penis. Weiner was a Congressman until two years ago when he resigned
because he sent a 21-year-old woman photos of his wiener (modestly
bulging from his underpants) via Twitter. Weiner was forced to resign
Now he's back, with a front-runner status conferred by the name-recognition care of the exposure of his jockey shorts.
New York's school system, with one million students, is desperately
screwed up. What is Weiner's position on privatizing the schools through
the "charter" system? The Times
won't tell us. It's all about Weiner's weenie. The Times
only asks voters if they will forgive him for showing young ladies his Congressional junk.
I do know this (not from the Times
story): Weiner said, if elected, his first act would be to remove New York's new bicycle lanes.
So I didn't need to see Weiner's underpants to know that he's a dick.
Does this mean that I'm endorsing his main opponent, Councilwoman
Christine Quinn? No. I don't endorse candidates, but I do like to learn
their positions on the issues. The Times
self-proclaimed "paper of record", had a story on Quinn yesterday. We
learned all about her father, a city cop who they portray as one of
those loveable, cartoonish Irish schmucks who dispenses a lot of
blarney. But what is Quinn's position on charter schools? You won't get
that from the Times
Of course, the Times
had other stories about Madame Quinn: a
big story about her recent marriage to another woman. If she wins the
election, she'll be New York's first lesbian mayor.
In other words, she would not be in the least interested in Congressman Anthony's wiener.
So there we have it: the newspaper of America's intelligentsia has
brought the race for the biggest city in the Land of the Free down to a
choice of genitalia.
Yes, they are trying to make us stupid. I'm beginning to believe those
conspiracy freaks who think the Illuminati are stealing all our useful
brainwaves for their reptile overlords from another dimension.
Of course, stupid leads to deadly.
* * * * *
New evidence is mounting
that one of the accused Boston Marathon bombers, the deceased Mr
Tamerlan Tsarnaev, had previously murdered three former friends of his
on the tenth anniversary of the September 11th World Trade Center
Do the math: the prior murders happened two years before the Boston bombings.
Tsarnaev's co-killer in the 2011 murders confessed to their bad behaviour
when questioned recently by the FBI. While the agents put six bullets
in him before he signed the official confession, we are left with the
nagging question: Are the cops really that stupid?
It turns out that the local constabulary in Waltham, a suburb of Boston, never questioned Tsarnaev
, despite the fact that several of the victims' friends told the cops there was good reason to do so.
But the cops blew off the leads and let the killer go on to kill again, this time with three dead and 264 injured
victims, at the Boston Marathon.
So what does this have to do with Edward Snowden? Everything.
One pinhead official said that
Snowden's revelation of the National Security Agency spying on
worldwide internet traffic "could have prevented another Boston"
But, of course, it didn't prevent the first
And that's the point.
Snowden has been called a "traitor" and charged with crimes regarding
the revelation of a private contractor analyzing "metadata" from
As a former professor of statistics, I should explain that "metadata" is
defined by experts as, "A big load of bullshit used by consulting firms
to get hundred-million-dollar no-bid contracts from government
What Snowden uncovered is not some massive spying operation that could
expose terrorist plots, but a massive invasion of the taxpayer's wallet
by connected consultants.
In the meantime, the guys who could have stopped the Boston Marathon
attack by using what the FBI called, "old-fashioned police methods",
were too short on of both budget and brain cells to capture the killers.
Instead, they're hunting Snowden and reading European embassy emails.
Terrorists worldwide want to thank the US government for this colossal
act of stupid.