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OpEdNews Op Eds    H3'ed 2/22/12

Mr. Rick Goes to the Doctor

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So Rick Santorum goes to his family doctor with a complaint. It seems that, after decades of successful procreation, he's developed a hydraulic leak somewhere in the system .  His once valiant member can no longer stand a t  full attention when called to service.

 "Ah, yes," his doctor replies, "It's not unusual for men your age to encounter this problem. But, fortunately there is a solution. Actually a couple of them. I can prescribe you Viagra or  Cialis . Either will do the job, if you get my drift."

 Santorum breathe d  a sigh of relief. "Oh thank God. I was so ashamed and worried."

 "Oh, nothing to be ashamed about, Rick. It happens to the best of us."

The doctor pulled out some forms from his desk. "Okay, then let's get started with the paperwork and exam."

"What paperwork?" Santorum asked, pulling the scanty exam robe tighter around him. "And what exam? It's just a pill. Why do I need an exam?"

The doc pulled his stool up to the exam table. 

 "Rick, I wish I could just write the prescription and let you go about your day, but I can't. It used to be that way with these erectile dysfunction treatments, but no longer. You see, a few months ago a group, Christian Women for Sanity and Sanctity, launched a full frontal attack on ED drugs claiming they not only led to what they called libertine behavior but also encourages rape."

Santorum takes the form, reads it, shakes his head and signs it.

"Okay, now this one in which you attest that you are not a virgin."

Santorum's jaw drops. "I've fathered enough kids to form my own soccer team," Santorum said. "How the dickens could I be a virgin?"

"The law Rick, the law. They said they wanted to prevent amateurs from getting their hands on such high caliber ammo."

Santorum signs it and is handed another.

 "Okay, two down. Now sign this one and initial here, here, here, here, here, here and here.

"What's this one," Santorum asks.

"This one describes every potential medical complication that might happen if someone not in top physical shape might encounter if they reengage in sexual activity."

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Stephen Pizzo has been published everywhere from The New York Times to Mother Jones magazine. His book, Inside Job: The Looting of America's Savings and Loans, was nominated for a Pulitzer.

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