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Mike Malloy: Repetition and Irritation

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You've probably seen the ad by now. Oil man and billionaire corporate raider (that's Wall Street talk for thief, highwayman, sneak) T. Boone Pickens telling us the days of a carbon-based economy are over. Kaput. The spigot has run dry. Can't drill our way out of this particular energy crisis. And, by golly, he knows. See, he's been an oil man all his life. Yes, he has.

The ad seems to be running every fifteen minutes on every channel in the broadcast band and most of the cable outlets as well. A rich man like Pickens can buy anything he wants to buy including a lot of TV time. Reports say this particular ad buy was in the $60 million range. Lunch money for a Master of The Universe like T. Boone.

In the ad, there he sits, staring into the camera, getting all sincere with the viewer. Or, whatever passes for sincerity with this Texas yahoo. What a thug. What a liar. (More on that in a moment.) Okay, he's not lying when he says we can't drill our way out of the current energy hole we find ourselves in - a hole dug by corporate bandits like T. Boone. Most people who have a working familiarity with the idea of finite resources understand that those huge underground oceans of oil that people like T. Boone plundered for decades eventually will dry up. T. Boone says eventually has arrived.

The ad must be a shock to poor, lost John McCain. The old geezer is still wandering around places like Elbow, N.H., telling smaller and smaller crowds we just gotta drill more, just gotta dig holes in National Forests, the Rocky Mountains, Icebergs, Glaciers, wherever, if we want to end our Dependence On Foreign Oil.  (Yes, my friends, it was those darned environmental rules and regulations that got us to this terrible place. The Democrats did that to us, y'know. But, my friends, we can dig Really Deep Holes and Find More Oil responsibly. And, in the process, my friends, make sure the moose and the cows and the wet places where oysters grow remain untouched and beautiful for vacations, you know, when school's out. Oh, and, let us not forget Barack Obama. Yes, my friends, Barack Obama is responsible for this. And there he is, running around Iraq when he should be here like I am.)

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McCain was scheduled to make a trip to an offshore oil rig earlier this week but had to cancel because of Hurricane Dolly. In going, McCain would have demonstrated his complete support for ignoring a reality even T. Boone now sees which is, essentially, we're out of oil. Yeah, yeah, there's still huge reserves in Russia, Iran, Iraq, Venezuela; pools of the evil stuff in various microbe-infested jungles and deep, polluted oceans still waiting to be tapped. But, as T. Boone suggests, it's all over in the U.S. oil bidness. It's just a matter of time. T. Boone knows.

And, what better gift to the Democrats this election season than T. Boone's TV ad? Republicans running for office across the country must be peeing their pants every time it plays. One of the centerpieces of a typical fear-saturated Republican political campaign is the lie that all we gotta do is, well, dig more holes. And up will bubble more oil. Which will produce more jobs, and more cars, and more food and medical care and clean air and beautiful babies and if we don't dig more holes and get more oil, well, the MUSLIMS will get us!!!! Do you hear me???? The MUSLIMS will get us and we'll all be killed!!!!!!!!

The ad and the plea for the development of non-carbon based energy sources comes from the same thug who provided millions of dollars to the Vietnam War Swift Boat creeps during the 2004 election cycle. These shadowy cowards then smeared John Kerry's service in the military to the extent that by the time they finished half of the voters must have thought Kerry was actually a squad leader for the VietCong.

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T. Boone gave millions to stop Kerry with these lies, deceptions, half-truths, phony witnesses, innuendoes, and the gleeful, drug-addled cooperation of radio golem Rush-all-I-had-was-one-little-Viagra-in-my-carry-on-your-honor-Limbaugh. And, really, didn't the boys have big fun with John Kerry? Well, it was ol' T. Boone who financed the lies.

He even promised to pay $1 million to anyone who could prove the claims were lies. After a group of veterans presented him with documents identifying 10 lies being touted as truth, Pickens broke his promise. Sorry boys. Just kiddin' about the million bucks. His word, it turned out, wasn't worth a tinker's dam. It was T. Boone who wanted another four years of the Bush Crime Family no matter what it took to get those four years. And, in that second BCF administration, ol' T. Boone made just a whole sh*t-load of money.

But, now, there he is, all serious and sounding like he's got a mouth full of kudzu as he tells us the future is in windmills. Okay, T. Boone. Notice taken. We're in deep trouble. Thanks for the news flash. But, the biggest thanks is for further sinking McCain's stultifying presidential campaign and, by extension, the entire Republican Party.

However, you get zero redemption. You're still a liar, a coward, a sneak, a phony, and an old man who's soon gonna be taking his leave. Buh-bye, T. Boone. Oh, and we're not all that impressed with your ad. The nation's environmentalists have been saying the same thing for years.


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Mike Malloy is a former writer and producer for CNN (1984-87) and CNN-International (2000). His professional experience includes newspaper columnist and editor, writer, rock concert producer and actor. He is the only radio talk show host in America to have received the A.I.R (Achievement in Radio) Award in both (more...)

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