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McCain picks Sarah Palin; GOP weeps

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Message P. A. Triot

John McCain (a.k.a. McCan't), the Republican Party's presumptive nominee for President, stunned the world today by choosing Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his vice-presidential running mate.

The little known Palin, who has but two year's experience as governor, was such a surprise to Republicans that some were too stunned by the announcement to respond effectively through their tears.

"It's likely to be a quiet four-day convention," said Ralph Evans, a Republican convention planner. "I can't find anyone able to speak (in the wake of McCain's choice). Instead of the usual placards, I'm scrambling to find as many as 1,000 mops to keep the convention floor dry from the flood of tears."

Republicans traditionally have been known for orderly conventions as compared to Democratic conventions, which are notoriously rowdy and difficult to control.

Evans predicted that this year's Republican convention will be even more subdued than ever before, with delegates from around the nation sitting like robots with deer-in-the-headlights eyes, nodding in unison to Palin and McCain––the only two speakers now scheduled during the four days.

"There might be a few who will have the presence of mind to occasionally clap," Evans said, "but I don't expect any problems with security or demonstrations."

Alaska was thought to be the only exception to Evans' expectations. Alaska brings 29 delegates to the Republican National Convention, and they are expected to be strongly supportive of Palin being chosen for the VP nomination.

"We are pretty worried that those 29 delegates might get a bit rowdy and out of control, so we put them as far away from the podium as possible," Evans said. "We think the more than 3,000 law enforcement officers can handle the Alaskan delegation's excitement, but those Alaskans are a tough bunch of frontiersmen who can put up quite a fight."

Even Republican insiders were staggered by McCain's choice of Palin as a vice-presidential candidate.

Levitican fundamentalist James Dobson of Focus on the Family was too engrossed in grieving to make a statement.

Karl Rove choked on his breakfast and had to be transported to a Houston, Texas, hospital to be revived. None of his associates were authorized to make a statement.

"Who the hell is Sara Palin?" asked President George W. Bush. No one on his staff could give him an answer.

Vice President Dick Cheney hung his head in despair. He thought his words could not be heard but forgot he was wearing a hot microphone for his appearance before the National Shoot Your Hunting Partner's annual confab in west Texas. He was recorded as saying, "What a bimbo. McCain's choice of Palin makes Dan Quayle look like an Oxford graduate."

No one even pondered what would Jesus do.


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P. A. Triot is the pen name of a retired journalist.
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