Do you like having to entertain
out of town visitors? Me neither. Especially when it's (insert
music that indicates impending doom) family. After a long week of
work-related travel, I had caught the 2 o'clock broom so I could come home and
do what everybody has to do in anticipation of the arrival of blood relatives.
I attempted to legally change my name. And then I looked for a doctor who hasn't
prescribed medication to Michael Jackson to get myself some Xanax. Then I
stowed my carry on, returned my seat and tray table both to their upright and
locked position, and raced home to hide the liquor, paint swatches and jewelry.
Worst of all, I had to clean the house. Buying another one was completely
out of the question on such short notice, even though it might have cost me
less time and money. My cleaning lady immediately moved to Guatemala in
search of opportunity and riches. She purchased a nice oceanfront condo
with what she had earned cleaning up after me.
I will be the first to admit that I am not the world's greatest hostess. When I am home alone, I like to parade around naked with the blinds open just to scare the gardener. I laugh at laundry and parking tickets of which I have equal piles of both. Sometimes I do both these things at the same time while calling the DJ at the local radio station to ask him if he will play "The Monster Mash" for me again. All that had to come to a stop like my car did when I slid into third base at the Avis parking lot not too long ago. No sense of humor those rental car agencies. I had to pay for pony rides for everybody.
Back to my immediate problems. I regret that I had to use china for these last few days. I see absolutely nothing wrong with those Lean Cuisine trays. It helps with portion control. I have just enough of them so that I can sometimes make myself a lovely dinner for eight if I'm really hungry. WhenI use only one or two of them, I eat less. If I use the china, I have to worry about whether or not my brother and his wife are going to the Pack and Ship store while I'm pretending to be out at a meeting. Anything so I don't have to listen to them talk nonstop and really loudly about the Rumba.
It's all well and good when the relatives first arrive. Like normal families, we exchange hugs, kisses, macaroons and stock tips. I hate macaroons. They just love to see me lose money like contact lenses. I love to watch my brother lose his hearing. Did I tell you that my brother plays bingo and is a financial planner? I must have told someone else.
About 20 minutes into a seven-day visit, I start looking at my watch. Within an hour, there is sure to be some sort of misunderstanding like whose turn it is to flush the toilet or if we are really related. Half a day into it, we are barely speaking. It's just like being married accept that we don't get invited to go on gay cruises. Do you remember "Mystery Date"? My brother is the dud. His wife owes personality payments to some "family" in New Jersey. When she gets a little behind is usually when she and my brother decide to come for a visit.
That would be me.