My choice for president has a name: Barack Obama.
Fitting, for it is his name that has caused me to vote for him, his first name in particular. By which I mean Barack and its uncanny resemblance to Baraka, the blade-wielding badass from “Mortal Kombat II.” Tell me, my fellow Americans: What freedom-hating evildoer would dare stand against us then?
I cannot speak for a couple of you, but I feel safe from terrorism knowing that we have a candidate whose first name invokes the awesome “blade lift” fatality, among the best in the game. Sheeva’s “skin rip” earns more badass points, but we don’t have any candidate named Sheeva. We have a candidate uglier than her in Hillary, but this election is not about aesthetics. It’s about the issues!
Like names. Important stuff.
No doubt, the opposition is already preparing their counter-arguments. The plot to crush change is unfolding as we speak.
They will masterfully argue on the esteemed principles of “Coincidence” and the even more logical “Phonetic Coincidence.”
They will point out that his middle name happens to be Hussein, and that his last name rhymes with Osama. Then, in order to support their well-spun reasoning, they will point to vague guesses from an old book (or “Biblical Prophecy,” if you like) concerning the anti-Christ, who is said to be a charismatic leader, so keep your eyes out for charismatic leaders. They’re quite rare, so finding this anti-Christ should be pretty simple.
Defenseless, we will fall from the blow of his full name and its true sound: un-American. His name doesn’t sound very American. Here, we lose the debate, and the anti-Obama camp chalks up another victory for truth, justice and the American way.
Three concepts that are often mutually exclusive.
Mere phonetic coincidence carries a lot of weight in this country, so much so that I’m not sure that the awesomeness of Baraka (though it’s my reason for voting and should be yours too) can counteract it. Obama? they say … more like Osama.
It’s a childish argument to make, which is quite appropriate for this country: immaturity. America has to be the most immature country in the world. No one, and I mean no one, comes close to our level of childishness. What’s the average maturity level here? Eight? Nine? No, that’s being too generous, and quite frankly, offensive to 8- and 9-year-olds everywhere.
Four about nails it.
Immaturity is rampant in this country. It’s found everywhere. From the stories the news runs to their useless arguments posing as “debates.” For future reference: A debate is a battle between two opposing viewpoints. Yelling at each other for three minutes does not, nor will it ever, constitute a debate.
Given that the media presents these arguments to the public as meaningful, it’s no wonder their criteria for choosing elected officials falls into the following categories: “Because I’m Republican,” “because I’m Democrat,” “because he’s black,” “because she’s a woman,” “because he believes in Jesus.”
Or because Chuck Norris or other celebrities “approve” him. Never have I seen such contempt displayed toward voters. Personally, if I ever vote, I will do so under the following criteria: “He can spell his name.”
That sets him apart from the rest of the pack, not to mention most voters.