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I'm wearing nothing but a grin and a Santa hat

By       Message Tim Cerantola       (Page 1 of 2 pages)     Permalink

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My Christmas shopping is steeped in tradition. Yes, as each Christmas approaches, I observe a special custom without fail. Every year, on December 24th at about 4:31 pm, I begin my Christmas shopping.

What an exciting time it is, as I fill my Christmas shopping basket full of festive cheer and last minute gift desperation.

Jostling and roughhousing with the other men who have left their shopping to the last 29 minutes before the shops close. What a lovely festive atmosphere it is, as hordes of ornery, desperate men get together in department stores and share a merry friggin' Christmas here, a get out of my way shove there - and perhaps even a celebratory poke in the eye, if that's what it takes to secure a useless Christmas trinket or toy. Yes, sometimes two wrongs are only the beginning. As you can well imagine, Christmas gift purchasing can become a full contact sport.

Still, it is under these trying conditions that I usually select many wonderful, awe-inspiring, well thought out gifts for those that I love so dearly.

Let's see, last year I selected Donny Osmond's Christmas Music Collection for the kids. I scooped up a "Cheeses of the World" tray for my lovely wife. (Imagine, someone went all around the world collecting cheese). I also purchased a couple of matching tea mugs that sort of look like naked elves dancing (well, it looked like they were dancing) for my mom and dad. And, of course, a box of chocolate for my bum! Yes, I always buy my bum something for Christmas.

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Neverth less, as a married man with nearly a quarter century of delirious marital bliss under my belt, I've perfected Christmas shopping in 29 minutes or less. And so, I will try to help some of you lost men out there, so that you might avoid some of the pitfalls of Christmas shopping. I will provide you with a few winner gift ideas sure to please the woman in your life. Yes, I will likely save your life. (You can thank me later).

Now, I imagine some of you have already begun your shopping. A few of you have probably already completed your shopping (you dweeby wankers). But, for the rest of us who live by the manly code, "never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid all together" - allow me to teach you a new way. For I am a firm believer in the old adage, "give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set that man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." But I digress.

Yes, I write this for you men who have great difficulty selecting gifts. I imagine, as Christmas quickly approaches, many of you probably still don't know what to buy her. Well, do you?

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Of course not! Only God knows what she wants and even He isn't completely sure. She changes her mind so often even a supreme being has trouble keeping up. So, what should you buy the love of your life?

First off, lets start with what the love of your friggin' craptastic life doesn't want.

I can guarantee that your woman does not want anything that requires vacuum bags. She also does not want anything that slices or dices. She does not want a perfume that's called "Garden Fresh" or "Febreze" - even though Febreze does sort of sound French. You've probably already established that she doesn't want anything that smells like you. If she did, she wouldn't always buy you cologne. But like I always say to my wife, if you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

DO NOT buy your wife a toaster for Christmas. If you do, plan to leave town. "But honey, it's a four slicer" will in no way repair the damage a gift toaster can do to a marital relationship.

In most states and provinces, giving you wife a toaster for Christmas is legal grounds for divorce. Still, Toaster Syndrome is very common this time of year. Many men, in an attempt to please the woman in their lives, succumb to the ever-alluring draw of shiny kitchen appliances. This can lead to a Christmas disaster. If you don't think things can get any worse, it's probably because you lack sufficient information.

However, should you happen to make this unfortunate mistake, before this thing goes viral, remember, this gift selection must be quickly treated with expensive jewellery and a seriously healthy amount of grovelling on Boxing Day. Fortunately, most women will agree that men are entitled to be stupid now and again - mind you, some of us do tend to abuse the privilege.

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Now, if you want your love goddess to remain in your life, relatively free of hostility, here are some helpful tips when deciding what to buy her. If the gift you have in mind for her is dishwasher safe, has a non-stick surface or cool touch handles - your own handles, (if you catch my drift), will likely remain cool during the Christmas season!

If you want to continue living in blissful wedded harmony, her gift should be of the silk, satin, gold, silver and/or precious stone categories. And, if you merely want to remain a living, breathing person, it should not be made of polyester, vinyl, aluminum or anything with a Teflon coating.

So, to further drive home the point guys, A Non-Stick, Aluminum Reinforced, Plastic Cheese Tray With a Handy Polyester Carrying Bag... is a VERY, VERY BAD idea!

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Tim Cerantola's humour and political satire has been published in over 25 magazines and newspapers. When he is not pretending to be a writer, he works at a real job working with autistic and special needs children.

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