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I'm Joseph Stalin and I'm Feeling Neglected

By       Message John Blumenthal       (Page 1 of 3 pages)     Permalink    (# of views)   8 comments

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View Ratings | Rate It Headlined to H3 12/13/09

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Remember me? Joe Stalin? If you recall, I was maybe the most brutal dictator ever. So why are you Americans so obsessed with Hitler? What's so great about Hitler? I was a lot worse than Hitler, but nobody even mentions my name anymore. What am I, chopped liver?

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How many times do I have to hear Rush Limbaugh comparing everybody to Hitler? Or watch these Fox News nut cases ranting on about him? (Granted, our TV reception isn't that good in Hell and we don't get HDTV.) And how many times do I have to see Hitler's lousy excuse for a mustache painted on Obama posters? What's wrong with my mustache? I have a better mustache than Adolf. I have better hair too. Thicker and not as greasy.

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But it's not about his mustache or his hair. Sure, Hitler killed a lot of people, but I killed more. A lot more. Millions more. I may even hold the record. I was a big time louse. I was major league scum. Hitler was an amateur compared to me. Also, you might remember that I was the guy who started the goddamn Cold War, which lasted about 50 years, a lot longer than Hitler's pathetic little war. My successors and I scared the heck out of you Americans for a long time. I should get a lot more credit for that.

Hell, Hitler wasn't even a real socialist. I was (sort of.) I was a Communist, for God's sake. I invented all this. (Well, Karl Marx actually did.) But how can you Americans all be so stupid? Hitler was a right-winger. I was a left-winger. So why aren't you moronic wing nuts putting my face on your posters? Don't you dumb Americans know anything about history?

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John Blumenthal has been a professional comedy writer for 25 years. A former associate editor and columnist at Playboy Magazine (following a short stint at Esquire), he's written 8 books and 2 produced movies. His films include "Short Time," (major (more...)

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