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Hunter Biden: La Bohème

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'Bob Dylan'
'Bob Dylan'
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Well, who knew?

Hunter Biden, self-proclaimed druggie, alkie, whambamthankyoumaam-er, former board member of the infamous Ukrainian "gas" company Burisma, and favorite son of Joe (now that Beau's dead), has found a creative flair. Most men find that deep inside them is a raunchy lesbian just keening to get out, Hunter's got a little abstract expressionist named Linda Blair aching to be exorcised.

Can we expect him to be moving to Prague next? Will he take his place among the Giants at the Castle? Will he sit on the board of one of the many American expat pubs there now, polishing the helmet of a BudÄ"jovice Budvar? Summoning the bartender with "C'mere," like Ray Milland in The Lost Weekend? Remember besotted Ray going on and on about the bohe'me's life?

Seriously though. Well, okay, not really. But check out what he owns up to in his memoir, Beautiful Things:

Burisma turned into a major enabler during my steepest skid into addiction. While its robust compensation initially gave me more time and resources to look after my brother, it played to the worst aspects of my addictive impulses after his death... But by that mad, bad end, the board fee had morphed into a wicked sort of funny money. It hounded me to spend recklessly, dangerously, destructively. Humiliatingly. So I did.

Funny money. We all laugh our asses off about the punchlines of money. Good one, Hunts. But his memoir makes clear he barely remembers anything -- nothing of his years at Burisma; nothing of his brokered deals with China; he can't remember dropping off his porn and scandalous email-filled laptop to a blind computer repairman. (Say what?) And don't even ask him why he hit on brother Beau's widow soon after his demise, because he can't remember. Maybe being in her, channeling Beau, was a form of TMI empathy that I could never understand.

Well, ol' Hunter has hisself an art gallery opening now. At the "exclusive" Georges Bergàs Gallery in SoHo. So exclusive that the showing of the artist's work is only open to private buyers. Art Net News tells us that Hunter's gallery debut is titled, "The Journey Home." Given his admitted souseful predilections, one imagines an EA Poe staggering from a night of bar hopping through the cobblestone streets of dreary Baltimore on his way back to his House of Usher, standing shitfaced in the hallway past midnight gazing up at the Picture of Dorian Gray-like self-portrait that follows him everywhere. Could be the NSA though, or the Secret Service.

Hunter's memoir was ghostwritten. He hired a guy. The guy said stuff. Hunter's handlers approved or nay said the stuff to its published form. If the fuckin guy can't tell his own story without relying on a ghost, then why should we believe him about his fuckin Jackson Pollack moments?

Psst. I've heard rumors. I've heard rumors that a cash-strapped Bob Dylan has secretly sold Biden his entire catalogue of artwork -- some of which even featured, with David Lynch's work, in Season 5 of the how-things-really-work HBO series Billions. This would also potentially explain why nobody is allowed in to see the paintings up close. Dylan's canvas artistry has been scandalized by wild and, in some cases, founded charges of plagiarism.

You had a sense it could all go wrong with Dylan and art when you considered the cover of his double album, Self-Portrait. At least, I think it was a double album. It seemed like a double album. Filled with covers and dross, it was apparently a f*ck-you album in answer to a record company contract-obligation dispute. For me, there's titillation aplenty, when it comes to one song on the album, "Wigwam," the first Dylan song I actually really liked. He just hums on it, accompanied by David Bromberg, horns, and a bunch of lads singing la-la-la-ti-da once in a while. As one commenter (Matthew R) at the YouTube site put it:

Only Bob Dylan could write a song with no words and make it one of the most well written songs of all time.

I'm inclined to agree fullheartedly. I've learned since that the song was made into a German hit, lyrics added, "Weil ich dich liebe (Because I Love you)". Is Nice, as Borat would say. Check it out:

But back to Hunter. Well, his Burisma money's gone. Glenn Greenwald is dogging his trail, intent on treeing him over the laptop findings, which GlugGlug says show that the Hunters are gatherers and corrupt hypocrites and liars who need some spanking on their well-polished tushies. Also, the meagre money from his sales about his rough and rowdy ways as Town Wastrel has probably all been drunkden away by now -- so.... Probably -- I'm speculating -- when Dylan sold his back catalogue for so many oodle bags of cash, Hunter might have thought, Why not me and my warehoused cache of masterpieces. I know some people who will buy "my'' work. Business people I might introduce to Dad, my favorite father, now that brother Beau is dead. Or not.

And then Dylan called mysteriously and asked Hunter if he'd like to take his own painted masterpieces off his hands -- just the controversial ones -- at a discount. Dylan maybe thinking, If he sells them in a private auction, the "controversy" will disappear into unknown mansions and never be seen again. BTW, take a note, I think I have one more album in me before I croak.

The curator of the gallery poo-poohs the boo-birds who malignantly have a go at a recovering Hunter. He may be thinking, If Dylan can have Another Side Of, then why not Hunter. He has a marvelous voice and could easily do a bang up job of "Chimes of Freedom." But what the curator actually said was:

I want art to transcend politics, and because of who he is, it's been mired in politics. I wouldn't have gotten into this with him if I didn't think that he was a great artist. I put my whole reputation on the line as well. So, I better make sure the exhibition is the best that it could be.

Good front man. But unfortch, that bastion of journalistic artwork, the Daily Mirror, tells us that the curator, "was jailed in California in the 90s for assault and making terroristic threats."

alleged pic of curator
alleged pic of curator
(Image by David Lynch)
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Yes, some people think the worst. Some people think that Hunter's up to old tricks. Inviting anonymous folks to take his visual dross off his hands for sums associated with deals to be had with Dad, the President. In fact, the Mirror comments on the intent behind the transactions:

Money laundering and other crimes has long been an issue in the art world because of how secretive sales can be and how it can be sold off with 100 percent tax deductions.

Oh, my. George Clooney has reportedly been called in to reprise his role in The Monuments Men. A move expected to bring new life to his back-up career as a Nespresso pitchman.

Could Dylan, Mr. Alias-Anything-You-Please, be a buyer, in a kind of painting laundering scheme that only someone like Dylan could dream up? If Hunter forced buyers to wear disguises (paparazzi), then Dylan could go as himself. Who the f*ck would know? Sarah Lowndes probably.

Art Net tells us, "Biden is currently working on a monumental painting, six feet tall and 25 feet wide, according to Bergà s." The theme of the work is said to be, according to highly placed anonymous sources in the know, loosely based on the Great Wall of China. Xi has purportedly expressed interest already.

Congressman Mike Waltz, a MAGA retard from Florida, has introduced legislation -- "the Preventing Anonymous Income by Necessitating Transparency of Executive Relatives--or PAINTER--Act." A day later, the NY Post, home of all news Biden-hateful, reported that Bergà s' gallery had been vandalized by a "conspiracy theorist." He even made an 80-minute video of his acts with his phone and posted the masterpiece of political resistance to his Facebook page. Some say his next act of street theatre will be to go to the Pentagon, levitate it, a la Abbie Hoffman, and go looking for the "missile" remains that hit the Home of the Brave on 9/11. I'll bet he'll show his camera footage of the Pentagon.

The pump don't work coz the vandal took the handle of our culture.

(Article changed on Nov 13, 2021 at 9:29 PM EST)

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John Kendall Hawkins is an American ex-pat freelance journalist and poet currently residing in Oceania.

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