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General News    H4'ed 1/25/21

Humor: New Year's Resolutions for American Men

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1) We will stop giving the women in our lives tools on their birthday like drill bits and seed tillers. We admit it is a sneaky way of getting the tools we want and that women don't give us linens or a new coffee maker on our birthday.

2) We will stop giving slippers the size of snowshoes to the women in our lives on their birthday. We acknowledge that women's feet are much smaller than ours but NOT so they can get closer to the kitchen sink and wash dishes.

3) We will stop trying to vacuum pennies when we pitch in with cleaning and just bend over and pick them up. We realize the vacuum is "not a toy" and if we actually succeeded, the vacuum will rattle, smoke and have a heart attack

4) We will stop putting empty ice trays in the freezer even though we think it is a good example of "returning something to where you got it" like we learned as children. We admit it makes us look lazy and we do know where ice comes from.

5) We will stop telling a woman she looks beautiful by candlelight or in total darkness and realize this is actually an insult.

6) We will stop ignoring the gas gauge when it's on empty in pursuit of cheaper gas and for the pure adrenaline rush of trying to beat "empty." We admit this little game can result in hiking with a gas can--and has.

7) We will cease to be anal about our car's cleanliness from the mats to the windows to the air freshener while pretending we know nothing about cleaning when it comes to the house.

8) We will stop pretending that the dog's drinking water remaining from yesterday means we don't have to fill the bowl today. ("He has water.") We acknowledge that the germ theory has been proved and yesterday's water might be a specimen.

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Martha Rosenberg is an award-winning investigative public health reporter who covers the food, drug and gun industries. Her first book, Born With A Junk Food Deficiency: How Flaks, Quacks and Hacks Pimp The Public Health, is distributed by Random (more...)

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