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How the world should handle Kim Jong-Il

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With his latest missile misfire polluting the waters of the North Pacific, an anxious world awaits the next provocation from Kim Jong-Il.  Nobody can be quite sure what it will be, another failed nuclear test, another bluster-and-blow-up rocket launch, but one thing is clear.

This is a guy who craves attention.  Whenever the world forgets about him, and trust me, he is one forgettable character, he pulls another stunt.  It’s usually a failure, but it works every time.  Kim gets what he so desperately craves—attention.  World leaders screech and caw, issue condemnations, threats and warnings, and generally make Dear Leader’s day for a day or two, before he subsides into the background of real events and actual news.

At which time he crawls back into the People’s Palace to plan his next Spectacular, secure in the knowledge that whatever he does, fail or fail, the world will once again respond as strongly as if he mattered.  He’s got the ultimate lose-win situation going.  It’s a cycle we need to break.

The solution is staring us right in the face, if we only open our eyes.  The dude is ridiculous, everything about him is laughable, from that hair to those glasses to the undernourished toy soldiers he goose-steps through Kim Il Sung Square to celebrate his impoverished nation’s imperial might.

Since the world at large seems unwilling or unable to stop Kim from doing something tragic—if he could pull it off without shooting himself in the wiener, a doubtful proposition—why not take the opposite tack and revel in his farcical behavior?

Scolding, six-party talks and sanctions don’t work on the guy anyway.  Let’s try this instead.  I hereby offer United Nations Security Council Resolution 2009-1: the Kim Jong Il LOL Mandate.

Resolved: Whenever a member of this council, or an authorized representative of any member government of these United Nations, said council, and all and several persons officio and ex-officio as from time to time may operate under color of such authority, shall, in the course of business, encounter Kim Jong-Il, commonly referred to as ‘The Tiny Tyrant,’ ‘The Maniac Dwarf,’ ‘The Korean Klown,’ ‘Thumbelina the First,’ ‘Jong the Jerk,’ ‘The Misfire Midget,’ ‘The Nukey Gnome,’ ‘Kim Jong “Let-‘em-Eat-Rice-Cake” Il,’ ‘The Pyongyang Pansy,’ ‘Kimchee Face,’ and ‘Ryan Seacrest,’—hitherto referred to as “Dear Leader”—it shall be mandatory to laugh hysterically until such time as Dear Leader and Actual Human are a kilometer apart, and/or have broken eye contact, if such can be determined behind Dear Leader’s nose-mounted portholes.

While this council considers simple proximity to Dear Leader sufficient to induce laughter of the desired intensity, it recognizes the diversity of its members and respects the personal and cultural traditions from which they flow, understanding that some personages may be more inhibited or dumbstruck than others by being in The Presence.  To assist those in compliance with these resolutions, the following scripts have been vetted and approved for general use:

            “Hey shortie, nice aim.”

            “Cool rocket, dude.  I haven’t seen a stage blow up like that since Ishtar.”

            “Is that a dud in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

            “Smart move, K-Man, buying all those kiddie urinals for your people.  I never would have thought to use malnutrition like that.”

            “Somebody throw this minnow back before I call Fish and Game.”

            “We here at General Motors like the cut of your jib, Mr. Kim.  Do you want a job?”

            “No, no no!  The fuse goes under the rocket!”

            “Your missile shot did wonderful things for your image, Kim.  Every time I see you I want to launch.”

            “If at first you don’t succeed, cry, cry again.”

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Allan Goldstein Social Media Pages: Facebook page url on login Profile not filled in       Twitter page url on login Profile not filled in       Linkedin page url on login Profile not filled in       Instagram page url on login Profile not filled in

San Francisco based columnist, author, gym rat and novelist. My book, "The Confessions of a Catnip Junkie" is the best memoir ever written by a cat. Available on, or wherever fine literature is sold with no sales tax collected. For (more...)
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