How Trump's Jobs Plan Works for Me
Special feature by Roger Cohen
Lost in the election's latest white noise 24-hour news cycle was the promising career opportunity Donald Trump's latest tax plan opened up for this 64 year-old former airline lobbyist drifting through the netherworld between full-time work, consulting and retirement.
The potential market is yuuge. Every available home in my Vienna, Virginia neighborhood gets snapped up by dual-income Millennial couples looking to raise their family in one of MONEY's Best Places To Live. The prototypical buyers are a mix-and-match attorney/IT specialist grossing well over six figures who -- according to Ivanka Trump -- need a government subsidy to overcome their First World challenges to child rearing:
Where to park little Madison and Noah for the day while synchronizing with combat-like precision the Rubik's maze of Starbucks runs, HOV lane changeover times and the "be here on-time or else" pickup and drop-off deadlines at day care.
Why suffer such stress when I'll come to you on demand, and supervise your kids in the comfort of your own home. My exclusive patent-pending mash up of Uber and KinderCare, with Paypal and Square gladly accepted.
The economics supporting Trump's child care scheme spells "win win" for the two demographics most in need of another special interest tax break: 1) the 94% of Americans earning more than $200,000 annually who itemize their returns and 2) the millions of my fellow baby-boomers sitting on 401Ks, Social Security benefits, even a few old-school pensions who will be able to deduct everything from mileage expenses to internet fees from their new child care business.
As for those working poor earning between $20,000 and $50,000, 88% of whom don't itemize their deductions, well they'll just have to continue relying on the grace of parents, extended family and neighbors like they always have. Or just quit their low wage jobs to care for their children. But enough about them - -this is about me and my unique qualifications for Child Care Professional under a Trump IRS.
First, I'm a real American, born in Cleveland -- another beat-down community like Atlantic City forever marked by the Trump brand. I'm a licensed driver, own a hybrid Ford (assembled in Monterrey, Mexico) and cleared by TSA to receive airline industry security briefings, so I can skip all the "extreme vetting" Trump plans for self-identifying terrorists and all those pesky immigrants competing with me for work in the child care field.
Second, I'm experienced. My wife and I raised two wonderful, well-adjusted adult sons and I don't seem to have missed any technological advances in diaper changing. Why settle for packaged snacks when I can whip up home-cooked meals to order -- everything from barbeque to vegetarian, and successfully survived my own picky eater whose elementary school diet consisted of Bagel Bites, granola bars and cans of Boost. Every meal, every day.
Why would high income parents even consider putting their little ones in a school, private home or even faith-based day care when you can have a dependable member of Washington's consulting class watch your kids - on demand to your doorstep. I'll even match Fairfax County's $1100 per month fee for two kids (a price point neatly below my allowable Social Security income threshold). Only fringe benefit I seek is your free wifi password so I can check the sports news and latest election websites while watching your kids.
The Donald's tax-deductible scheme further lines the pockets of America's Top Two Per Cent, buying and selling my Legends of Day Care plan. Expansion plans include franchising the child care business to my fellow "doing some consulting" buddies at the gym.
Or better yet, opening up one of those slick one-day entrepreneurship seminars where gullible folks fork over a couple grand to hear canned presentations on how to get-rich-quick.
Like Trump University.
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