John Boehner - They're saying my name worng. by DonkeyHotey
Boehner insists the pronunciation is Bain-er. Google's Translate service pronounces it Boh-nir, like the slang word for, well, you know. "Google is flat out wrong. The only people who pronounce my name that way are poorly-educated 47 percent takers," Boehner says.
"Bainer? Like Romney is Bain and the House Speaker is Bainer? Rhymes with no-brainer, insaner, disdainer, and raising Cainer? Like I help the noble 1%, so I'm the gainer?" says David R. Yale, author of the award-winning book, Pun Enchanted Evenings: 746 Original Word Plays.
"Even if you go back to the language this name was derived from, German, the pronunciation is like Boner with a slight accent," says pundit Yale.
Yale's unnamed source recovered the leeked documents from a Washington DC restaurant's garbage can. "Someone tried to obliterate them by pouring an onion-smelling soup over the pages. But they were apparently produced on a laser printer with indelible ink," Yale says.
In addition to the legal brief outlining the grounds for Boehner's legal action, there is a note from Majority Leader Eric Cantor. "Do not talk about grounds in any context, John," Cantor's note says. "Grounds are associated with the far left coffee party. But I agree that Google mispronounces names. Mine should be said as 'Can't-err.'"
The documents also include a lab report from Boehner's doctor, indicating the Speaker has an over-developed vaguest nerve. "That may explain why the Speaker is so skimpy with details about Republican alternatives to Democratic legislation," Yale says.
The documents shed unusual light on Boehner's outsized chokehold on the legislative process. In a secret ceremony the day he was sworn in as Speaker, he had a huge bottle of hot beverage placed on his desk. "My jar o' tea rules," he thundered, glaring at members of the Tea Party factshun. "Thank God, in America we have a system that protects us from the popular vote. And thank God we still have a Just Us Department on our side."
"We can't let ignorant people diss us," Boehner continued at the secret session. "They call us 'politushans" and "legis-laters.' But this is not an easy job, and I demand respect."