"Breaking News"
According to unconfirmed reports, the American Psychological Association is frantically searching for facts that have escaped from the Association's headquarters in Washington, DC. All of the fugitive facts apparently share one characteristic in common: they support claims that the APA colluded with the CIA and the White House in the Bush Administration's abusive detention and interrogation operations.
A distraught APA spokesperson advised that such facts are extremely dangerous on the loose. She warned that no one should approach them until they have been captured, tranquilized, and defanged by the APA's public affairs office. "We need to turn them into mere allegations as quickly as possible," she was overheard telling an unidentified colleague. "Obviously, we can't refute facts!"
Despite repeated requests, members of the APA leadership have thus far declined to comment further. The total number of escaped facts is not yet known, but it appears that dozens of them had been tunneling their way out of APA headquarters for over a decade. Others reportedly still remain securely confined in APA and government custody.
Although preliminary reports have now identified many of the fugitive facts, the APA continues to warn that extreme caution should be exercised until the Association has provided specific safety guidelines. Without adequate precautions, close contact has been linked to a variety of psychological symptoms, including denial, defensiveness, and despair.
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The "breaking news" report above is, of course, satirical. But the facts presented below are quite real. And despite the dismissive attitude that has characterized the APA's actual public relations campaign, none of the facts that follow has been refuted (which shouldn't really be surprising -- after all, they're facts).
Meanwhile, APA leaders now insist that they will have no further comment about collusion in the Bush Administration's "enhanced interrogation program" until they have received and reviewed the report from attorney David Hoffman's ongoing investigation. Then, at some still unspecified time, both that report and the APA Board's response will be made public simultaneously.
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