Say goodbye, Alaskans, to your former Governor, Sarah Palin. She has made good on her promise to save Alaska from . . . well, from Sarah Palin, and has now officially departed her governorship to focus on her family, her special needs son Trig who certainly could use some more motherly attention, her possible political future, and the probable influx of indictments for ethics violations.
Perhaps she'll spend her free time now productively perched on top of the roof of her expansive home (which is rumored to contain lots of building materials once destined for a Wasilla sports complex), binoculars in hand, watching and waiting for Vlad Putin to "rear his head" so she can add it to her mounted trophy collection. (Psssst . . . Sarah, I can see the Post Office from my house; um, that doesn't make me a mailman).
She might recommit herself to God's work now, throw her energy back into her "Wasilla Assembly of God" home church, where she can give guest sermons to a "cool looking bunch of Christians," and pray for American troops to continue "their task from God" in Iraq. Apparently God spoke to Sarah and told her he wanted Americans to go kill Iraqis. Who knew?
One thing's for certain, after all the recent negative publicity, she sure could use a fresh dose of protective mojo from Bishop Thomas Muthee, the Pentecostal guest pastor at Palin's church who laid hands on her and anointed her with the Spirit to protect her from witchcraft.
It must've worn off by now. Maybe Muthee has a sustained-released formula he could use this time?
Poor Sarah, she needs a new image. Maybe she should revert to the "Sarah Barracuda" mode from her glory days as a basketball point guard and focus her energy on advancing her political career in some political party. If the GOP doesn't want her, there's always the Alaska Independence Party. Hey, her rockin' "First Dude" husband Todd is a member! You remember this one, they advocate secession from the Union.
Come to think of it, that could be the perfect solution for poor, beleaguered Sarah -- just go form your own country! Become Queen of Alaska, with your own private royal helicopter for wolf-hunting. It could be the new national sport! That, or turkey slaughtering, it's a toss up. Here's a catchy campaign slogan: "A fresh turkey in every pot and a meth lab on every block!"
She could spend her free time thinking up clever baby names for future children and grandchildren, which may or may not be in the works. Some suggestions: Brick, Balsa, Boxwood, Branch, Boner, Egret, Fir, Hawk, Hemlock, Spruce, Sled, Popper, Privet, Twig, Thistle, Twill,or Yamaha (in honor of Todd's snowmobile)
Then there's always the beauty pageant circuit, and now is the perfect time to begin a campaign to become "Mrs. Alaska!" She can devote oodles of time to practicing her sharp-shooting, blubber-rendering or moose-skinning skills for the talent portion of the competition.
Please, Caribou Barbie, don't ever go away! I'll help you campaign for 2012 for the GOP, or the AIP, or the Christian Reconstructionist Party . . . really, I will!