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OpEdNews Op Eds    H2'ed 4/24/16

Donald Trump's Brain And Man Parts

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Ah".the Donald. I mean Donald J. Trump, Republican Presidential frontrunner candidate. Not the one from "The Apprentice" fame even though they are one and the same. Just when you thought this pea-brain giant of a Republican politician could surprise no more, Bang! He's done it again. Fresh from his New York Trumpfest and his now boring monotony about "making America great again," as if such greatness was lost in the bogs of Queens where sundry Mafioso park their victims, he's now accusing his erstwhile nemesis Ted Cruz of bribing delegates.

The Donald in his most Sarah Palinesque manner (she whose head is devoid of even air; the sing-songy alarmist from Alaska) continues to create his own unique brand of Trumplucy -- a strain of infectious lunacy specifically contagious just by standing near to him or allowing a strand of that god-awful hair style to fall on you.

Thing is Trump and Cruz are the two carriers of the 2016 Republican Presidential election plague. Raccoons and 'possums beware! Donald "Mexico wallathon" Trump is a class act. "I'll build a wall, a long wall, a wall separating Mexico and America! Folks, trust me I'll lock out the rapists, criminals and Pope Francis"and Mexico will pay for the wall."

And of course he'll make America great again.

You and I know that the Donald speaks from his ass, er, heart (heh, heh sorry got my human biology mixed up). Why the man is a regular "speechifier!" Plus, he's utterly knowledgeable about EVERYTHING -- including the Holy Bible! Listen to his pearls of wisdom!

"Well, I think many. I mean, when we get into the Bible, I think many, so many. And some people, look, an eye for an eye, you can almost say that. That's not a particularly nice thing. But you know, if you look at what's happening to our country, I mean, when you see what's going on with our country, how people are taking advantage of us, and how they scoff at us and laugh at us. And they laugh at our face, and they're taking our jobs, they're taking our money, they're taking the health of our country. And we have to be firm and have to be very strong. And we can learn a lot from the Bible, that I can tell you."

Who the f**k could ever compete with such eloquent speech delivery? Don Quixote? No wait, he was a bit mad and attacked a bunch of windmills because he thought they were giants. The Donald's clearly a cut above the addled knight. Wait, wait I've got it! Bring back George W. Bush who once, just as eloquently as The Donald, famously told America and the world that he'll "bring the suiciders (bombers I presume) to justice." Apparently, Good Ole W had the powers of resurrection being a born again Christian and all. Or he was just plain bat s**t crazy.

But children, I digress from the very serious discussion about the Donald calling the Republican nominating process "rigged" and that Lyin' Ted Cruz was bribing delegates. Maybe the Donald's right. After all we don't know what's in his brain and I'm no shrink. Though I do think that any shrink would be hard pressed to follow the Donald's line or trend of thought.

He's the "International Man of Mystery" but no Austin Powers. A little mix of Dr. Evil and he's had it in for Ted Cruz ever since he lost his mojo to Marco Rubio and been trying to find it ever since. Personal Trump Note to Trump self: measure everybody's hand in my campaign. Anybody with bigger hands than me is out. Buy tight fitting underpants to display man parts and if that does not work always walk with a green banana that I can stick in my boxers. Also do pants (the British call them trousers) inspection (men over 18 only). That ought to do it.

Now for the first time in US Presidential elections history we have a new campaigning technique pioneered by the Donald -- whining and griping. You lose a state -- blame others for your loss, cry foul, accuse the Tooth Fairy and Bugs Bunny of stealing who knows what. Don't understand how an electoral or campaign process works? Suck you little, sorry, BIG thumb in your pie-hole and blame the media. Works every time!

And when all else fails, do everything to turn a presidential election into a version of "The Apprentice" since you, by any and all measures, are a political apprentice. Now I hear that the Donald is going to get presidential, he'll read speeches more, and be more measured in his criticism as a true politician.

Crap! Where's the f***ing fun in that? This presidential election is about to go "low energy!" Donald, dear boy, we can't have that, come on man! You're the life of the thing. Can you imagine sermonizing Ted Cruz upstaging you on national television just because some fool tells you to "act presidential." What the f**K that means anywhere? Cruz wants to run on the 23rd Psalm integrated with his "Trust Ted" BS. Trust Ted? The guy who wants to pass a law ordering women to wear their dresses below the knees? What's a bonafide pervert to do?

Why, the man wants to make sure that there is a prayer in every school because God's his campaign manager. I don't know about you but I think that you have a right and obligation to keep Ted Cruz from bringing back Ole Hatpin Mary and the vagina cops who want to check for broken hymens as part of God's plan for the women of America. He wants to make America Virgin Again, that's why he hates Planned Parenthood.

You on the other hand have earned your stripes and have had your fair share of dalliances in the sack. You and Ole Raunchy Bill of Clinton fame have a lot in common -- you both just love you mammas family! Cruz is a square and he must have brought a flashlight and a tape measure to his honeymoon (please don't ask me what these two tools were used for; you ask him Donald). And don't get angry with me for referencing Bill of fellatio under the Oval Office desk fame, I'm not comparing you two.

But I hear you man, you're getting ready to show Hillary your manhood and your right to be president. You have the edge -- she does not have a shlong, and as you made abundantly clear before, as far as you were concerned the President of the United States MUST have serious man parts in his pants. Such a criteria is a no brainer. How else can the US president "measure up" with Putin and company? Hillary just can't compete, no siree! Wait a minute, did you measure Bill's hands? You can't take a chance not knowing if he'll out shlong you. And you sure as hell can't ask Hillary. What about Ted Cruz? Donald you just gotta measure; you just gotta know!

Besides, just as you'll compel Mexico to build and pay for the wall you can compel them to "drop to their knees." Donald you can weigh in on the bathroom/transgender thing. You can't trust Ted Cruz on this, his idea of a transgender person is a Humpty Dumpty look alike. I believe that judging from your statements on the virtues of having been blessed with big hands and a corresponding big you-know-what (though we'll have to speak to Melania about that) you could care less where anyone peed. Just so long as their stream was TREMENDOUS AND YUGE. That's what counts right?

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MICHAEL DERK ROBERTS Small Business Consultant, Editor, and Social Media & Communications Expert, New York Over the past 20 years I've been a top SMALL BUSINESS CONSULTANT and POLITICAL CAMPAIGN STRATEGIST in Brooklyn, New York, running (more...)

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