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Dick Cheney, Will You Agree to Be Waterboarded? (Satire)

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Message Bill Hare
It was understandable that of all the Republicans, save drug-addicted talk show host Rush Limbaugh, the one to fire the first and loudest opening growl at President Barack Obama was you, Dick Cheney. Considering your track record, could we have expected anything else?

The subject matter was thoroughly predictable, seeking to generate terror in the hearts of Americans with your latest wolf cry of the imminent attack we are facing from international terrorists.

You take bows for keeping Americans safe from terrorism on your watch and that of George W. Bush. Talk to Richard Clarke and any other bona fide terrorist expert and a different story emerges of those repeated warnings before 9/11 to which the administration in which you served and feel so prideful about did nothing.

Then again, what did you do after 9/11? You resisted an independent investigation, insisting that it was better to move on and face current and future challenges instead. Right, if an earthquake levels a city the vigilant course is to say, “Why investigate what happened? What good would that do? Move on!”

It is understandable why you wanted to move on, Dick. Even after the clamor was so loud and sustained that something had been done and a panel of noted Washington insiders rather than independent outsiders held hearings, you made sure that they were held behind closed doors and that you were there to guide your ally George W. Bush through the exercise.

Then again, how did you become Bush’s Washington partner in the first place? You were put in charge of selecting a vice presidential candidate for the Republican ticket and, after using Senator John Danforth and others as convenient foil, you named yourself as the best qualified to serve, a neat trick for a guy exercising alleged neutrality in heading the selection process.

That was hilarious when you went through the pretext of quitting your job at Halliburton to serve Bush. We know that Halliburton never left your sides or thoughts anymore than your Project for the New American Century allies like William Kristol, Paul Wolfowitz and Richard Perle. The PNAC had been calling for attacking Iraq all the time and you stepped up the initiative promptly after assuming office.

You did your best to push the CIA into action. You made visits over there and looked over their shoulders. You also did your best to promptly boot CIA and State Department hands that did not share your view of Iraq and dictator Saddam Hussein, the same guy who was one of your allies in the Reagan Administration days.

Then there were those secret meetings in your office, Dick. Remember them? You would never release any information on what went on there but the results were only too obvious.

The company you continued to run, Halliburton, along with Bechtel, along with some other choice New World Order favorites, well, you divided up that country for profit before the first “smart bombs” of ally Donald Rumsfeld’s attacks were launched on Baghdad.

We knew you had it in you, Dick, from your days in Congress, when you voted to kill the Meal on Wheels program for seniors and voted against a resolution to urge Nelson Mandela’s release from prison, we knew you had the right stuff, yes, very, very far right.

All you could do when some media people came after you in the post-VP selection vetting process was to say that those voted were recorded so long ago that you could not remember them. What else could you do? They had you dead to rights.

Now for your comments about Guantanamo and waterboarding. Guantanamo should be kept open since it is a nice clean, well run place. Besides, you assured us that all those terrorists have been convicted and helped spare us from future terrorist attacks.

Dick, can you kindly name one terrorist suspect who has been convicted? This is getting more and more like Senator McCarthy and his shifting numbers of alleged Communists in the State Department.

For some reason we helped send Japanese officers to their executions in post-World War Two judicial tribunals for waterboarding prisoners of war.

You say there’s really nothing to it, Dick. Tell us, have they improved waterboarding since World War Two? Do we have a softened waterboarding process?

Tell you what, Dick. Since you were too busy to serve during the Vietnam War you strongly supported, since you shouldn’t be all that busy these days, and since there’s really nothing that harmful about waterboarding how about you offering yourself as a waterboarding subject in a test experiment to prove your point.

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Began in the journalism field in hometown of Los Angeles. Started as Sports Editor and Movie Writer at Inglewood Daily News chain after working in sportswriting of high school events at the Los Angeles Examiner.

Received a bachelor's in (more...)
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