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Dear Blabby... advice for a lame duck president

By       Message Tim Cerantola     Permalink
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Dear Blabby,

I don't want to give my identity away, so let's just say I'm the leader of a very large and powerful American country. As it stands right now, I'm what they call a lame duck leader - not like a real duck that is actually lame like from having a bad leg or being shot by Dick Turdblossom (not his real name either), but a lame duck like in the way they call presidents who are near the end of their last terms. I don't really know why they call us that, they just do. Anyways, re-election ain't going to be an issue with me but, I am concerned with is how history will remember me.

Now I used to be a pretty popular guy with huge approval ratings. Heck, everyone wanted to have a beer with me. But lately, everyone just picks on me, calling me Washington's village idiot, and now my popularity is dropping faster than a mob informant in the Hudson River. I was hoping that y'all could help me out with some advice regarding my presidential legacy.

Of course I always wanted to be a leader. I thought it would make me very happy. My country's last leader, "Bill Klinton" (name changed to protect his identity) always looked so calm and cool, that is until he got caught with his pants down a few years back. Seems a lot of those intern girls really went for Billy, though, if you ask me, that Monica girl was easier than microwave popcorn. But I guess beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder, heh-heh-heh, get it?

Anyway, ol' Bill still got lots of invites to fancy dinners and everybody liked him because of his smooth, fast talking charm and gentlemanly manners.

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Now it's true, over the years, my leadership has had a few problems. The people see me as a witless dork and a moron just because I can't pronounciate some words so good. So what, if my vocabulary is as bad as, uh, whatever?

And so what if I got my country mixed up in a couple of really stupid wars - and declared victory too soon - and screwed up a hurricane disaster relief thing - and chose to continue reading a goat story during the 9/11 terrorist attacks - and allowing torture and prisoner abuse at Abu Ghraib - and illegal wire tapping of law abiding American citizens - and messing up my country's finances, totally turning it into a economic basket case - and, well I can't remember them all. So I made a couple of mistakes.

If only I got a easy ride like another former leader of my nation, "Donald Deagan" (not his real name). Now "Donald" had quite a few laughs, he met the Pope, bombed Libya, sang some old Irish tunes with a few heads of state and had a ton of free airplane and helicopter rides. That ol' geezer was a real character and the people really loved him. Heck, history already remembers him as one of the greats. But hey, being president in good times isn't exactly rocket surgery.

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When my turn came to lead, I had it tough. Really, if it wasn't one thing, it was two things. I got confused.

The people started getting critical of me, going on about how dumb I was and making fun of the way I say newcuelar. So I screwed up a few things. Maybe I should never have run for president in the first place. I was totally unprepared - except for having a lot of alcohol in me.

I feel the paranoia setting in and I'm twitchier than a long-tailed polecat in a room full of rocking chairs. Everyone's out to get me and there's no one I can trust, other than my Mom and Dad, and I'm not sure about my Dad anymore.

What should I do to improve my image so that history will be kind to me?

Now, there's this new fella, Barney O'Bama (name changed to protect his identity) - just elected. Everyone's already going on about how good lookin' he is, how nice he is and how he's a hundred times smarter than me. OK, maybe he's fifty times smarter, but not a hundred. Anyway, now that O'Bama fella is getting all the media attention and I feel about as useful as a one-legged man in an ar*e-kicking contest.

So Blabby, if you can, help me. I want to get me some of those real good write-ups in the history books. I won't make a move till I hear from you. Signed, Historically challenged.

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Dear Historically Challenged,

Like most people, I too find you astonishingly stupid. I have no advice for you other than, for the rest of your term, consider these words: You have two eyes and one mouth. Keep two of them open and the one other closed - and I'm not talking about winking.

As for being fondly remembered in history, dropping bombs and unnecessary wars will not stop the negative attention you are rightfully receiving. If you really want to be a big man in history, do something amazingly cool like end those hopeless wars and drop food and medicine on your enemies instead of bombs. Good luck, you schmuck!

 

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Tim Cerantola's humour and political satire has been published in over 25 magazines and newspapers. When he is not pretending to be a writer, he works at a real job working with autistic and special needs children.

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