And finally, New Rule: In the battle for government giveaways, we have to stop thinking in terms of rich versus poor, or black versus white, and admit it's really a war between the young and the old. And the old are winning. When it comes to meeting the needs of our seniors, money is no object. Last month, for example, an Inspector General's report revealed that between 2006-11, Medicare spent over $172 million dollars of taxpayer money on penis pumps. Because nobody wants to get all worked up only to go limp when the big moment arrives. Just ask the Denver Broncos. (audience laughter and applause)
You know, in America, we talk a lot about entitlements, and who are the takers and who are the makers, and here's the bottom line from the current issue of Harper's.
Federal yearly spending per child: $3,822.
Federal yearly spending per senior: $25,455.
Seniors keep asking, what kind of world are we leaving for our grandkids? Well, one where Head Start, nutrition assistance, and child welfare are being cut. These days, when Grandpa finds a quarter behind your ear, he keeps it. (audience laughter and applause)
Meanwhile, 5% of our entire budget is spent on people in just their last year of life -- a third of that on just the last month. Which I'm OK with. Look, dying is hard, and I wanna do it on drugs. The best drugs you got. Drugs so good, they will make me think I've wasted my whole life doing the drugs I'm on now. (audience laughter)
But let's not kid ourselves where our tax dollar goes. It goes to Grandma, because she votes, and young people don't. And that's why when seniors say "Jump", Uncle Sam says, "How about a free penis pump?"
Now you may be asking, what exactly is a penis pump? And the answer is, it's basically a vacuum device, which begs the question, why not just use the vacuum cleaner? (audience laughter) Well, because then you can't hear The Price Is Right. (audience laughter and applause)
OK, I make that joke because there is something you have to know about this issue. Respectable news sources report that there is a phenomenon occurring where people in nursing homes are now f*cking like rabbits on an adjustable bed. And we know this because the Centers for Disease Control reports that syphilis and chlamydia in seniors has nearly tripled over the past decade. (grossed out audience reaction and laughter) Apparently, 70 is the new 69. (wild audience laughter and cheering)
And the old folks' home is the new freshman dorm. These days, when Grandma yells, "Bingo!", it's because an old vet just found her G-spot. (grossed out audience laughter) It's true! The face of American sex used to be a young virile sexual athlete like Bruce Jenner, and now it's an old woman like Bruce Jenner. (audience laughter and applause)
And you know what? I say great! No country in the world disrespects the elderly more than this one. The least we can do is let them go out with a bang. As long as they don't mix up the Astroglide with the PoliGrip... (grossed out audience reaction) I'm all for it!
But what's with all the STDs? College-age Americans use condoms 40% of the time. People over 61 -- only 6% of the time. And they also say spermicide is too "spicy". (grossed out audience laughter)
But here's what I don't understand. Why, if seniors are having all this government subsidized fun, why are they the angriest people politically? And they are. 76% of seniors say they're "dissatisfied" with the way things are going in the country today. Why? You're getting all the money and half the p*ssy! (audience laughter)
But polls repeatedly show that seniors are the most opposed to Obamacare. Because Obamacare is government paying for health care. We can't have any of that in America. Of course, one reason seniors can afford to be so cavalier about all this VD they're getting is cuz they know the government will pay for curing it! Just like the government paid for the boner pills and the penis pumps in the first place!
So stop your bellyaching. Cuz you're lucky you get to live in a country that'll keep you hard until you're stiff. (wild audience laughter and cheering)