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BREAKING NEWS: Republicans can't buy a good news break

By       Message Ed Tubbs     Permalink
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Republicans can't buy a good news break.

 

This one had me laughing. I almost cried. But first let me set it up right, seeing as how we're talking about the Right.

 

I remember back in 1994, when the GOP swept the House of Representatives. They had something they called the "Contract with America," and they were going to restore morality and dignity to public service. A fella by the name of Newt Gingrich was made Speaker. Remember him? And how he lambasted the peccadilloes of another fella by the name of William Jefferson Clinton, and led the charge to impeach the president. "A lapse of moral values, it was." And everyone piled on. Joined, piling on was Mark Foley of Florida, and Mark Sanford of Georgia. And in the Senate we had David Vitter and John Ensign and Larry Craig.

 

Oh, the devil was in that Bill Clinton.   

 

Then came the Bush presidency. Oh whee . . . they was going to set a new course for America. I was watching Republican senator after Republican senator marching to the well, to deliver the most impassioned oratory on how nothing confronting these United States was more urgent than that they pass a constitutional amendment specifically stating that marriage was to be restricted to between one man and one woman. That was it. Couldn't risk none of this one man and one man, or one woman and woman. Allow that to continue and soon enough you'd have one man trying to marry a dog, or a chimpanzee, or a humming bird. Don 't stop it now and there'd be no telling where it might end. The very soul of America was under attack!

 

"Mistah Pres-dint, I rahz today in support of this he-ah constitutional a'men (As the last word in a prayer) mint protectin' the veruh sanctity of marriage thet this veruh day-uh is under attack by leff-wing lib'ruls an' they'uh homosex-ya'll allies frum San Fran-cisko'."

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One more thing: After you've read the following story, I think it would be helpful if you recalled to mind the words of that gospel spiritual, "Old-time Religion," replacing the first few words with "Gimme them Right-wing values, gimme them Right-wing values . . ."

 

See, here's the kick. It seems that Mark Musselwhite, this 43-year-old, white, Republican ex-mayor of Gainesville, Georgia was walkin' down this country road the other day, mindin' his own biz-ness, when he got arrested . . . for bein' nekid whilst he wuz doin' thet. Oh yeah, an' one mo' thing: Mr. Musselwhite had also run for the senate, but lost in 2006. What a shame.

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An "Old Army Vet" and liberal, qua liberal, with a passion for open inquiry in a neverending quest for truth unpoisoned by religious superstitions. Per Voltaire: "He who can lead you to believe an absurdity can lead you to commit an atrocity."

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