(CHICAGO)(July 9, 2008) I am coming to the rescue of the embattled and embittered Chicago Tribune newsroom with a "care package" of paper, paper clips, pads and pens. It broke my heart to read that Tribune employees were being told to count papers clips and economize on post-it notes and who knows what else? Colonel McCormick must be turning in his grave. Not to worry. I am coming to the rescue. To use the Democrats' old phrase, "Help is on the way." I am delivering a "care package" of stationary supplies to the Tribune newsroom. If billionaire Sam Zell, who is busy filing frivolous lawsuits against San Diego County, California, can't afford to provide office supplies for his employees, I will. They have a word for people like Zell: "cheap." What is Zell going to do next? Lower the lighting level as an "energy conservation" measure? I am also advising Mr. Zell that I will make 50,000 of my frequent flyer miles available to Tribune employees, so they can travel to news events. I'll even throw in a couple of extra bucks for drinks. What good is a reporter on the road without a little distilled lubricant? Sam Zell has been a greedy cheapskate all his life, and he is trying to make more money by trying to put up the rent on helpless old ladies who live in trailer parks. Maybe that's the way Zell was brought up by his parents. I couldn't sleep at night if I made my billions that way. Now Zell is exporting his stingy tactics to the Tribune Company. Well, I have "news" for Mr. Zell. Quality is not cheap. And highly motivated professionals cannot work for peanuts. Zell is trying to convert the Tribune Company's newspapers across the United States into what we Floridians call "mullet wrappers," or into the "Chicago Tribune Supermarket Circular." It's a tragedy in the making.