Dear United States Representative John A. Boehner, Outgoing Speaker of the House:
Noting the recent quandary of the Republican majority in the United States House of Representatives as they scramble to find your replacement as Speaker of the House, I am writing you to apply for this soon-to-be-open position. Considering that the Speaker of the House is second-in-line for the presidency, constitutionally-speaking, I am sure that you would like the position filled very soon. Further, I understand that one need not actually be a member of the House of Representatives in order to serve as its Speaker -- hence my application is totally in order, and deserves the most serious consideration.
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My primary qualification to serve as Speaker of the House of Representatives is that, unlike the most recent candidate, Representative Kevin McCarthy of California, I can actually speak -- eloquently, forcefully, and appropriately, in modern English. Rep. McCarthy regretfully did not appear to meet that requirement; I am not quite sure in which language he was attempting to speak, but clearly it was not colloquial English. Indeed, one might say that many of his remarks were from hunger -- or perhaps in his case from Hungaria, a new nation he invented in some recent remarks. I am still trying to find Hungaria on the map, but it is comforting to know that Rep. McCarthy has visited there, perhaps on his way to the Land of Oz or Shangri-La or El Dorado.
Here, for your consideration, are some points I will make, as the next Speaker of the United States House of Representatives:
1) The need for actual performance in proposing and passing relevant legislation in the House should lead to annual performance evaluations by an independent Inspector General, who will release those evaluations to the public upon completion. Any House
member whose evaluations fall below the minimum level required, as set by the Inspector General, will be summarily removed.
2) The need for removal of distracting and counter-productive forces affecting the United States House of Representatives, such as the despicable pledge to never vote for any tax increase required by the freelance non-elected Grover Norquist; the
demands of many Tea Party denizens; and other Forces of Darkness, with the result that the inmates are no longer to be running the asylum.
3) The need for House members to work together with the Executive Branch so as to avoid endless threats of governmental shutdowns, endless obstructionism and blockage of any progress, and endless juvenile and mean-spirited behavior by members.
In order to enforce these, and comparable, reasonable performance standards in our House of Representatives, as Speaker I will task the House Whips in both major parties to learn to use actual horsehide whips, so that they can whip their members into line whenever needed. Such whippings will be a vast improvement over the present approaches in the House, which have all the effectiveness of herding cats, as the saying goes.
Upon your positive response to my application, a more-detailed plan of attack will be presented for your consideration, Rep. Boehner. Finally, I trust that you can stop crying long enough to review my application thoroughly, and I look forward to your speedy and positive response, in the best interests of the American People. God Bless America.
Sincerely, Dr. Eugene F. Elander, Dahlonega GA USA
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