by John Moffett
April 1st, Washington DC
In ongoing efforts to monetize everything, the Obama Administration has implemented longstanding plans to incorporate the US Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines into a single publicly traded corporation under the title Armed Industries Inc. The initial IPO for the stock (ticker ARMY) is set for later today, and is expected to shatter records for all previous IPOs combined. President Obama announced the IPO in the Rose Garden late last Friday in a joint press conference with industry leaders and key senators on the finance committee. No press were permitted at the event.
A spokesperson for the corporation said that some layoffs are expected during the reorganization, and that in order to increase revenue streams the new financial giant is scheduled to open an online retail outlet for foreign armies and dictators to purchase the excess equipment and spare parts that have been stockpiled, but are currently unusable by the US military because of vast over-ordering of unneeded equipment and replacement parts for discontinued vehicles. All sales final, local taxes apply.
To mark the occasion the Obama Administration has declared April 1st as Drone Appreciation Day.