Send a Tweet
Most Popular Choices
Share on Facebook 11 Share on Twitter Printer Friendly Page More Sharing
OpEdNews Op Eds   

A Shiny, Brand New Conspiracy Theory

Message Bob Patterson
Become a Fan
  (10 fans)
In trying to concoct a new and original conspiracy theory that is astounding in its brilliance and unbeatable in the clever insight category, we collected our relevant facts.
(Evidence Exhibit A)  According to extensive evidence enumerated on the BradBlog, it seems as if the Republicans can use the new paperless voting machines to preselect the winners of the election.
(Evidence Exhibit B) In 2004, the Republicans had an extensive array of legal entities and strategies ready to do combat with John Kerry.  After Howard Dean surprised everyone with unexpected strength in the early part of the selection process, the mainstream media (including many distinguished Pro-Liberal publications) conveniently spread the meme that Howard Dean had suffered a mental breakdown during a victory speech, and anointed Senator John Kerry, the official “frontrunner” and, after getting the nomination, the aforementioned legal entities and strategies did not go to waste during George W. Bush’s successful campaign for reelection.
(Evidence Exhibit C)  After becoming the first woman Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi disappointed supporters and anti-war Democrats from outside her district, by blithely dismissing any suggestions that President George W. Bush had done “something” more deserving of impeachment than prevarications and blow jobs.  She became the first woman Speaker of the House, but she didn’t have the backing of a filibuster-proof majority and was rendered rather impotent.
(Evidence Exhibit D)  In 2008, the Republicans were very wary of the prospect of waging a campaign battle against Senator Hillary Clinton.  Again, luck came to the Republicans’ rescue and the voters again astounded expectations and pollsters by selecting Senator Obama. 
(Evidence Exhibit E)  After becoming the first Negro President, Barrack Obama suddenly embraced all most all of the Bush War on Terror methodology and strategies and disappointed some of his supporters from outside Illinois.
The people who would strenuously object to the assertion that the Republicans may have “given” the 2008 Presidential “win” to Senator Obama, apparently do not realize that sometimes in chess, when the conditions are just right, an experienced player may seem to “loose” a queen in order to precipitate an exchange that will ultimate assist in his long range strategy to win the game.
For those who can’t accept that the Republicans strategy might call for letting the Democrats win the 2008 Presidential election and get a majority in Congress and the Senate, we’ll offer this possible explanation:  If the Republicans know that they have run up a massive deficit, wouldn’t it be diabolical fun to stick the Democrats with the task of cleaning up the mess?  Can’t you see it in terms of a post Civil War era Southern family having a gigantic party and then when looking at all the work that will be required to put things back in shipshape, Rhett turns to Scarlett and says:  “Don’t worry, dear, that’s why we have servants.”
The Los Angeles Times edition for Friday, May 22, 2009, carried the headline:  “Poor would be hard hit by state cuts.”  Gee do you think that story might make some Republicans feel just as bad as they do when they see assertions that the number of inadvertent civilian casualties in Iraq may actually reach the “several dozens” number?
A recent item online hinting that the amount of money in the Social Security funds account may be perilously low, prompts us to think it may be time to write a column that posits the idea that President Bush has successfully dismantled almost all of the vestiges of the “New Deal?”  There is only one item left on the agenda.
Wouldn’t it be ironic if it fell to a Democratic President to have to be the one to eliminate Social Security?  Social Security has been a thorn in the side of the rich since the day it was signed into law, and if the first Negro President is the one who ends it, the Republicans might get a very deep level of satisfaction seeing that happen.
Without more than the circumstantial evidence outlined above, it seems unlikely that this new conspiracy theory will gain much traction.  It’s like our long held belief that George W. Bush worked out a “gentleman’s agreement” with Osama bin Laden the consisted of the American President letting Osama slip away in the Tora Bora region in return for Osama’s word of honor that he wouldn’t sanction a retaliation Terrorist strike inside the United States, while Bush remained in office.  It all boils down to the old American folk axiom:  “Difference of opinion is what makes a horse race,” so we should find something else for a column topic.
If this columnist “plagiarizes” an entire sentence from Josh Marshall will that catapult the world’s laziest journalist to extensive coverage by the Drudge Report and the Huffingtonpost?
Many moons ago, while reading a translation of one of the classics of Russian literature, we discovered that the copy we had had a gap of missing material which had been filled with a duplication of a previous section.  We toddled off to the Santa Monica Public Library to get a different copy of the aforementioned Russian novel to be able to “fill in the gap of missing prose.
In the process of trying to find the gap section in the new copy of that old novel, there was a frenzy of jumping back and forth between the two competing translations because the chapters weren’t titled let alone numbered.  In the process of comparing two passages from the two different translations, we noted that there weren’t just a few similar phrasings; it seemed that the two different versions were identical. 
Since this occurred long before the Internets came into contemporary culture, the prospect of “ratting out” the questionable translating abilities of the more recent version seemed insurmountable and we filed the co-inky-dink away for possible future use and let the matter drop. 
As a matter of fact, after doing all that work, we even let reading to the end of that particular story drop.  Didn’t someone once say that all great Russian novels are alike?   Can anyone tell us what happened?  How did it end?  How did the Brothers Karamazov escape their dreary existence and catapult themselves to fame and fortune (in show biz)?
Could we use this bit of personal history as the basis for a defense of a well known pundit who is in hot water for using one single solitary identical sentence?
Are there any other possibilities for use in the newest Saturday morning column to be issued from the World’s Laziest Journalist headquarters?  Maybe we could help a fellow columnist get to the Netroots National Convention in Pittsburg?
The National Society of Newspaper Columnists (are online columnists now eligible for membership?) will hold their convention in Ventura in June.
For the closing quote we’ll resort to one of the very best (In my own humble opinion) sentences this columnist has ever written:  “The days crawled by like wounded worms on their way to the elephants’ graveyard.”  Gosh, I hope some famous columnist plagiarizes that sentence and brings fame and fortune my way.
Now, for those who wonder just how long the perpetual war in Afghanistan will last, the disk jockey will play “Till the Sands of the Desert Grow Cold” by Peter Dawson. We’re going to click over to the Crooks and Liars  site to see if we can find any good sentences worth stealing.  
Have a “day like any other day, but a day filled with those events which alter and illuminate our times” type week.
Funny 1  
Rate It | View Ratings

Bob Patterson Social Media Pages: Facebook page url on login Profile not filled in       Twitter page url on login Profile not filled in       Linkedin page url on login Profile not filled in       Instagram page url on login Profile not filled in

BP graduated from college in the mid sixties (at the bottom of the class?) He told his draft board that Vietnam could be won without his participation. He is still appologizing for that mistake. He received his fist photo lesson from a future (more...)

Go To Commenting
The views expressed herein are the sole responsibility of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of this website or its editors.
Writers Guidelines

Contact AuthorContact Author Contact EditorContact Editor Author PageView Authors' Articles
Support OpEdNews

OpEdNews depends upon can't survive without your help.

If you value this article and the work of OpEdNews, please either Donate or Purchase a premium membership.

If you've enjoyed this, sign up for our daily or weekly newsletter to get lots of great progressive content.
Daily Weekly     OpEd News Newsletter
   (Opens new browser window)

Most Popular Articles by this Author:     (View All Most Popular Articles by this Author)

"Texas" Revisited: Michener's Warning

Huffington Post to bloggers: Drop Dead!

Freedom of the Press was fun while it lasted

Questions about Gen. Patton's Death

Did Rove engineer Cain's Florida win?

A relentless photo quest

To View Comments or Join the Conversation:

Tell A Friend