"Second, we are going to steal an idea from our enemies. My top terrorism adviser, John Brennan, has said we did not realize Al Qaeda was already "launching individuals" against the United States. Hell, I didn't even know they were going to launch people. I thought you only launch rockets. But we're going to steal this idea from Al Qaeda and launch people against it. We haven't figured out yet whether to launch them from Predators, in which case they would have to be drones. But that's no problem because the government is filled with them. Or, alternatively, we might launch them from outer space.
"Third, we are going to require every flyer either to pay for his ticket with a credit card or to have luggage. No more of this "Mr. Rich Boy paying with cash and having no luggage.' If the luggage is empty, or simply has t-shirts or whatever, that's ok, so long as you do have luggage.
"Fourth, we are going to give a permanent vacation to Michael Leiter, the Director of the NationalCounterterrorismCenter who went on a ski vacation instead of working on the Metallab case, er, Mutallab case. Brennan okayed this, telling Leiter "[y]ou deserve this vacation.' He deserves it so much that we are going to make it permanent.
"We also are going to insist that everyone who gets on a plane in, or going to, the United States must get a full body, backscatter x-ray scan that leaves nothing to the imagination. Generally speaking, we don't expect too much opposition to this on the grounds of privacy. We have had some opposition to it, however, from a splinter group of NOW which is claiming it will do no good and is only a plot cooked up by horny TSA personnel, usually male. NOW is working in cooperation with the League of Frenchmen With Badly Deformed Penises. There are a lot of those guys in France for obvious reasons. But we will probably be able to overcome this opposition from NOW and the League by agreeing to change our plan to post every backscatter x-ray on Facebook -- which would have had to change its name.
"This plan to make everyone undergo a backscatter x-ray," continued President O'Bomber, "has been warmly welcomed by Jockey Brand underwear. The Jockey Company had been giving serious consideration to the possibility of having to get out of the underpants manufacturing business because Al Qaeda was turning underpants into a weapon of mass destruction. That would have left the underpants manufacturing business to manufacturers in the Arab countries and sweat shops in China. The Jockey people were sick about this, and it would have hurt our balance of payments too. But now that we are taking steps to prevent underpants from being a weapon of mass destruction, the Jockey people do not feel they have to leave the business. They are delighted. In fact they are so happy that they have promised to contribute 50 million dollars to my 2012 presidential campaign and to themselves contribute as much money to the foundation I will start after I leave the Presidency as Honest Bill Clinton amassed in toto in his foundation after he left the Presidency. That's over 100 million dollars, I think. The Jockey people have even gotten a so-called advisory opinion from John Roberts, Samuel Alito and Nino Scalia that they can do this because it is free speech.
"So, you see," said the President, "we have a host of meshugganer plans that are certain to work. We are developing a system so foolproof that even Mother Theresa couldn't get on an airplane if she was wearing an explosive belt, or even a chastity belt.
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