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Obituaries of Note

By       Message Leni Matlin     Permalink
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After years of relentless failure to capture her, the Secret Services were in a tizzy. Former Section Chief Basil Fuzzlewood, who was given the unenviable task of catching this modern-day Mata Hari red-handed recalls:

"We threw the absolute best we had at her - seasoned operatives who survived the worst torture and deprivation imaginable without breaking - and to a man they all inexplicably fell prey to her dazzling spells and ended up doing her bidding. Indeed, we were at our wits end until Assistant Director Nerf finally hit upon a plan."

That would be Leyland Nerf, known by his peers as "The Man without a Face," for his mastery of the art of disguise.

Mr. Fuzzlewood went on: "It seems so simple and obvious a solution now, but one must understand it was a different world back then and one could lose everything if one was discovered to be a, well... a Nancy-boy, as we sometimes put it."

Discreetly and with assurances of absolute confidentially, letters were hand given to every possible prospect in the Services who might "lean that way" Fuzzlewood recalls. The response was overwhelming. There were over a hundred candidates which was whittled down to an elite team of six confirmed homosexual men who could not be ensnared by her feminine powers but convincingly pretend to be so and thereby be the bait with which the fish would be hooked.

The stratagem succeeded, though the details and names of those involved are still classified. After the triumphant conclusion of the operation, Fuzzlewood was greatly relieved knowing that Epstein would no longer pose a threat to the security of the war effort.

However, there was one small fly in the ointment, and according to those present, after sufficient brandy, the great spy chief admitted to his close friend and superior Mr. Nerf, "You know, Leyland, old boy, I'm pleased as punch Epstein is out of the game once and for all, but I must confess at being quite troubled as to how easy it was to find homosexuals in the service."

Delmer M. Trundle: 73

The Only Man to Walk Across the US Backwards

Mr. Delmer M. Trundle will be fondly remembered as the man who walked across the continental U.S. backwards. When asked how the idea came to him, he explained, "Well, being retired I got up one morning with nothing to do and thought now what if I was to walk across the whole dang United States of America, coast to coast, backwards? Now that'd be something, wouldn't it? So I did."

Next, Mr. Trundle climbed the 110 stories of the Empire State Building in Manhattan backwards in preparation to be the first man to scale Mt. McKinley backwards, which he also accomplished. With his unforeseen celebrity suddenly opening new doors and vistas for him, Delmer began scouting investors for a "Backwards Olympics." His plans for that project and others so impressed Trundle's growing nucleus of supporters, he was urged by them to consider founding a political party and running for elective office.

Seemingly overnight, he became one of the most popular figures in the nation and sought after guests for late night talk shows. When asked what he thought was the significance of the backwards movement, as it was being called, Mr. Trundle, (who preferred that people call him Delmer, or just Del), put it like this:

"Well, now, I think it's catching on with folks because they're waking up and seeing for themselves how the whole dang country is moving backwards instead of forwards. So for me, it was just a natural development to start doing everything backwards. Since it seems the politicians and everybody else in charge of things have pretty much sold out the rest of us and mortgaged our collective future so they can all live high on the hog here and now and in doing so have seen to it there's no prospects for our children and grandchildren to look forward to, well then we might as well all put our arses in the wind and at least enjoy taking a last lingering look at what we once had as we watch it all go bye bye."

Mr. Trundle died from rockin' pneumonia and the boogie-woogie flu

The Daily Dispatch

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Leni Matlin was born in NYC and attended Brooklyn College before moving to California in his twenties. For the better part of his adult life, he has worked as a musician (keyboards / vocals) and played in more bands then he can remember, while (more...)
 

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