In the MIDDLE THIRD of your Worksheet, write down all the feelings you have about the person or incident. If your feeling vocabulary is a bit under-nourished, use a list such as this one: http://cnvc.org/Training/feelings-inventory.
EXAMPLE:
Angry. Furious. Frustrated. Surprised. Actually - NOT surprised! Exasperated. Fuming. Despair. Hopeless. Super sad. etc.
5: Write down your Needs.
On the BOTTOM THIRD of your sheet, write down the unmet needs which may be leading to the feelings you wrote above. Try using the starting phrases "I need more..." or "I am really wanting some..." .
Most of us have been trained not to consider our needs as legitimate, so your needs vocabulary might also benefit from a helpful list: http://cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory.
It is important to remember that, in this model, the feelings stem from the deep unmet needs you have in this area - not from the one incident or even from the one person consistently failing to meet those needs (that is, our needs can only be met fully when we turn to multiple people and multiple strategies to fill them).
EXAMPLE: I really want more respect. I need consideration and care. I want to be able to trust you when we agree on something. I want some help and support around here. I want things to just be easier between us!
When you have finished writing down all the needs, circle the ones that seem most essential to you in relation to what happened. These are the ones you'll be sharing when the time comes.
6: Use the Worksheet to Have a Constructive Conversation
(a) Schedule a time and space to speak , rather than coming at the person out of the blue.
(b) Rip off and burn the TOP THIRD of the Worksheet (Judgments). Ok, you can shred it or destroy it some other way.
(c) Speak (or write) ONLY from the remaining parts of the Worksheet (Needs, Feelings, and Objective Description of Incident). This is the part that will increase your chances of actually being heard and will shift the conversation from destructive to constructive.
Breathe and be patient with yourself and the other person, especially the first few times you do this. Now go forth and try it!
WHAT IF IT STILL DOESN'T WORK?
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