I did have a lot of jokes -- I had a lot of jokes about Cabinet members, but I had to scrap all of those because everyone has been fired. You guys are going through Cabinet members quicker than Starbucks throws out black people.No, don't worry, they're having an afternoon. That'll solve it. We just needed an afternoon.Mitch McConnell isn't here. He had a prior engagement. He's finally getting his neck circumcised. Mazel.
Paul Ryan couldn't make it. Of course, he's already been circumcised. Unfortunately, while they were down there, they also took his bitches.Yeah, bye, Paul. Great acting, though, in that video.Republicans are easy to make fun of. It's like shooting fish in a Chris Christie. But I also want to make fun of Democrats. Democrats are harder to make fun of because you guys don't do anything.People think you might flip the House and Senate this November, but you guys always find a way to mess it up. You're somehow going to lose by 12 points to a guy named Jeff Pedophile Nazi Doctor. Oh, he's a doctor?We should definitely talk about the women in the Trump administration. There's Kellyanne Conway. Man, she has the perfect last name for what she does: Conway. It's like if my name was Michelle Jokes Frizzy Hair Small t*ts.You guys gotta stop putting Kellyanne on your shows. All she does is lie. If you don't give her a platform, she has nowhere to lie. It's like that old saying: If a tree falls in the woods, how do we get Kellyanne under that tree?I'm not suggesting she gets hurt; just stuck. Stuck under a tree.Incidentally, a tree falls in the woods is Scott Pruitt's definition of porn. Yeah, we all have our kinks.There's also, of course, Ivanka. She was supposed to be an advocate for women, but it turns out she's about as helpful to women as an empty box of tampons. She's done nothing to satisfy women. So, I guess, like father, like daughter.Oh, you don't think he's good in bed. Come on.
She does clean up nice, though. Ivanka cleans up nice. She's the Diaper Genie of the administration. On the outside, she looks sleek but the inside -- it's still full of sh*t.
And, of course, we have Sarah Huckabee Sanders. We're graced with Sarah's presence tonight. I have to say I'm a little star-struck. I love you as Aunt Lydia in "The Handmaid's Tale."Mike Pence, if you haven't seen it, you would love it.
Every time Sarah steps up to the podium, I get excited because I'm not really sure what we're going to get: you know, a press briefing, a bunch of lies or divided into softball teams. "It's shirts and skins, and this time, don't be such a little b*tch, Jim Acosta."I actually really like Sarah. I think she's very resourceful. Like, she burns facts, and then she uses the ash to create a perfect smoky eye. Like, maybe she's born with it; maybe it's lies.It's probably lies.
And I'm never really sure what to call Sarah Huckabee Sanders. You know, is it Sarah Sanders? Is Sarah Huckabee Sanders? Is it Cousin Huckabee? Is it Auntie Huckabee Sanders? Like, what's Uncle Tom but for white women who disappoint other white women? Oh, I know: Aunt Coulter.
We've got our friends at CNN here. Welcome, guys, it's great to have you. You guys love breaking news, and you did it. You broke it. Good work.The most useful information on CNN is when Anthony Bourdain tells me where to eat noodles.Fox News is here. So, you know what that means, ladies: Cover your drinks. Seriously.People want me to make fun of Sean Hannity tonight, but I cannot do that; this dinner is for journalists.
We've got MSNBC here. MSNBC's news slogan is, "This is who we are." Guys, it's not a good slogan. "This is who we are" is what your mom thinks the sad show on NBC is called. "Did you watch 'This Is Who We Are' this week? Someone left on a Crockpot, and everyone died."I watch "Morning Joe" every morning. We now know that Mika and Joe are engaged. Congratulations, you guys. It's like when a Me Too works out.
We also have Rachel Maddow. We cannot forget about Rachel Maddow. She is the Peter Pan of MSNBC. But instead of never growing up, she never gets to the point. Watching Rachel Maddow is like going to Target. You went in for milk, but you left with shampoo, candles and the entire history of the Byzantine Empire. "I didn't need this."And, of course, Megyn Kelly. What would I do without Megyn Kelly? You know, probably be more proud of women.Megyn Kelly got paid $23 million by NBC, then NBC didn't let Megyn go to the Winter Olympics. Why not? She's so white, cold and expensive, she might as well be the Winter Olympics.
And, by the way, Megyn, Santa's black. The weird old guy going through your chimney was Bill O'Reilly. You might want to put a flue on it or something.There's a lot of print media here. There's a ton of you guys, but I'm not going to go after print media tonight because it's illegal to attack an endangered species.Buy newspapers.There's a ton of news right now; a lot is going on, and we have all these 24-hour news networks, and we could be covering everything. But, instead, we're covering like three topics. Every hour, it's Trump, Russia, Hillary and a panel of four people who remind you why you don't go home for Thanksgiving.
"Milk comes from nuts now, all 'cause of the gays."You guys are obsessed with Trump. Did you used to date him? Because you pretend like you hate him, but I think you love him. I think what no one in this room wants to admit is that Trump has helped all of you. He couldn't sell steaks or vodka or water or college or ties or Eric, but he has helped you.
He's helped you sell your papers and your books and your TV. You helped create this monster, and now you're profiting off of him. And if you're gonna profit off of Trump, you should at least give him some money because he doesn't have any.
Trump is so broke.
AUDIENCE: How broke is he?]Flint still doesn't have clean water.
He grabs pussies 'cause he thinks there might be loose change in them. All right, like an immigrant who was brought here by his parents and didn't do anything wrong, I gotta get the f*ck out of here. Good night.