To your reporter's immense surprise, President O'Bomber criticized the Wall Street Journal of all papers for truncating a quotation, from his Cairo speech, that expressed his views of how to proceed in the world. The Journal, he said, had left off his all important last sentence when it set forth a quote from his Cairo speech in a heavily bolded special section next to his picture on Friday, December 11th. The full quotation, with the all important last sentence italicized, which the Journal omitted, he said, is:
There must be a sustained effort to listen to each other, to learn from each other; to respect one another; and to seek common ground. And then open fire.
The President found it especially puzzling that this sentence was omitted by a national newspaper that had moved heaven and earth to try to prove that he had been born in Kazakstan, not the United States, and had unearthed the previously well kept secret that his first name is the Gallicized (i.e., Frenchified) "Bom, which in English is Bomb, so that his name, Anglicized, is Bomb Rack O'Bomber. (Some of his closest family members, who are southerners, and are used to double names that are run together, like Bobby Joe and Billy Bob, run his first and middle names together and call him Bombrack, so that his correct title and name are President BombRack O'Bomber.)
Irate at the Wall Street Journal, the President expressed great pleasure at what he called, off the record (but like a good reporter I am going to tell you anyway), "the completely thoughtless, vacuous, but wonderfully favorable editorial in the New York Times. The Times editorial, he said, "had completely accepted his view, repeatedly expressed at the NoBull festivities, that it is "just war. "It is true, he said, "that while the Times' editorial said ˜we agree that this war . . . is a necessary one,' it was unable to give reasons for this view. "But that inability to give reasons is not the important point. The important point is that they support anything I say. I agree with Stephen Colbert. I am the decider. My press secretary tells the press what I've decided. And the job of the press is to write down and tell the public what I've decided. The Times carried out its function beautifully. Just like with WMDs. "It was almost as great as the trumpets blaring in the hall where the NoBull Peace Prize was awarded, Mr. O'Bomber added.
President Bombrack O'Bomber conceded in the interview that, because of American exceptionalism, it will be this country, and no other, which decides when and where wars shall be fought, who shall be killed, and so forth. "If that point of view is a criticism, he said, "then, as FDR said of his wealthy capitalist opponents, ˜I welcome their enmity,' or something on that order. Somebody has to decide who should be killed all over the world, he said, "and, for my money, our record with regard to the Native Americans, the Filipinos, the Central Americans, the Viet Namese, the Iraqis, and now the Goniffs prove that America should be that somebody.
"This is, after all, an evil world with many evil people, he said, "and now modern technology allows a few small men with outsize rage to murder innocents on a horrific scale. So, thank God that modern technology also allows an even smaller number of us big men to decree the deaths of thousands or hundreds of thousands or even millions of innocent people. "Us big men, they don't call us predators or drones for nothing, he added.
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