I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I don’t hate Hillary Clinton. Okay, well, actually I do kinda hate her, but it’s not a foam-at-the-mouth kind of hate, and it’s because of her embarrassingly lame policy positions, not because she happens to combine having power with having a vagina.
I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I’m not insecure enough about myself that I need to stomp on brown people.
I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that Pat Tillman’s family would probably kill me for it, and how could I blame them?
I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that my own children would probably kill me for it, when they get the tax bill our generation is leaving them.
I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I’m not comfortable with the idea that my country and my government have become giant cash cows to be milked dry by plutocrats.
I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I’m not nearly corrupt enough.
I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I have a word to describe people like Bush, Cheney, DeLay, Scalia, Libby, Rove, Wolfowitz, Gonzales and the rest, and it isn’t ‘admiration’.
I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I don’t really want to wake up in the middle of the night with the screams of mangled Iraqi children ringing in my ears.
I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I actually believe in making decisions on the basis of scientific evidence, not on the basis of some televangelist scam-artist’s interpretation of texts written by unknown authors and cobbled together thousands of years ago by equally unknown text cobblers.
I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I find incessant, blatant and pathological lying really depressing.
I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized I’d have to spend most of the rest of my life apologizing to Terri Schiavo’s family.
I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I don’t subscribe to the notion that the planet we live on is just one big coal seam to be strip-mined and left like an open scar once its monetary value has been depleted.
I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I don’t think it’s a real good idea to refer to our centuries-long allies as "cheese-eating surrender monkeys" just because they refuse to follow us over a cliff into a war they’re smart enough to see is insane folly.
I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that, ridiculously enough, I actually do think the Vice Presidency is part of the executive branch.
I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that war-avoiding chicken-hawks who mock and degrade actual war heroes in order to win elections are disgusting beyond the words available in my unabridged dictionary.
I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that hiding behind national security to cover-up corruption and Constitution slashing is not something I particularly admire.
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