Article: This Just In - Sperm Have Rights

March 15, 2006 (Reuters) Lobbyist Sold Sperm Bank Accounts. Influential lobbyist Jack Abramoff accepted a plea-bargain today in return for his testimony against unnamed White House officials in the rapidly developing Sperm Bank scandal. According to informed sources, Abramoff arranged for wealthy Republicans to have private accounts at the White House sperm bank.

March 22, 2006 (Associated Press) Novak Fingers Rove in Sperm Scandal. Robert Novak alleged that Presidential advisor Karl Rove is the architect of the White House sperm bank fundraising gambit.

April 4, 2006 (Washington Post) DeLay Resigns. Congressman Tom DeLay (R-TX) announced that he will step down before the end of his term.

April 7, 2006 (NY Times) DeLay Sperm Disappear. An anonymous White House source confirmed rumors that fallen Republican leader, Tom DeLay, has had his White House sperm bank account closed.

April 10, 2006 (Associated Press) Congressman Demands Sperm Investigation . Congressman Sonny "Bubba" Bumpers (R-KS) expressed outrage at the report that Tom DeLay's sperm account has been scrubbed. "The White House is not above the law," Bumpers stated. "I demand a bipartisan investigation. America can do better."

April 13, 2006 (Reuters) Bush Has Authority to Dispose of Sperm. Queried as to whether the President ordered the termination of Tom Delay's account at the White House sperm bank, Press Secretary Scott McClellan noted Bush's policy not to comment on an ongoing criminal investigation. Pushed by Helen Thomas, McClellan asserted, "It is well within the scope of the President's authority to dispose of sperm as he sees fit. We're at war and the commander-in-chief determines who has rights and who doesn't."

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