I talked to my mother and girlfriend after getting off the phone with my father and stepmother. I explained that I thought my grandmother was miserable. I wasn't surprised and I felt like this death was an example of someone losing the will to live.
She was married to
my grandfather for at least forty years. His mother (my great grandmother) died
and my grandfather divorced my grandmother about a year later. He left my
grandmother to marry a woman who had been taking care of his mother.
This devastated my grandmother. Gradually, she transformed into a person who
was not confident in her ability to live. She needed more and more support for
the every day things we take for granted. She lost track of hygiene and the
necessity of eating. She didn't go anywhere, lost a lot of her spirit, and very
soon she only wanted to interact with people at annual family gatherings
(Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc). Even then, she was detached, likely uncertain
of how to connect to her surroundings.
She had a television,
which made it possible for her to enjoy sports events along with the occasional
television show or made-for-TV movie. She liked sports and you could get her to
talk sports. And, she had my father who slowly adopted a ritual of checking up
on her once-a-day to make sure she was eating, cleaning herself, taking
medications, living comfortably, etc.
Grandmother turned afraid when grandfather left. Her fear quickly went right past anger and hate to suffering. In addition to spinal problems and other physical problems, she blamed herself for her situation and slowly let life become a tragedy she was forced to live from the time she woke up to the time she went to sleep at night.
Sober misery--that's what I think one could call it, when each day feels a bit harder than the last and you really have no one to talk to and take away your pain because the reality is it can't go away.
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