"He's a politician, Kenny Bob. That's what they do. Next question."
"My mommy says that abortion and wearing condoms is murder, and to protect persons she plans to run down baby-killer doctors when she sees them on the streets."
"Your mommy is looking out for the best interests of the fertilized egg. In that case, the courts will rule that what your mother does is justified homicide. Just like them lynchings your pappies and grandpappies might have done for fun on some hot weekend. It sent a message that we don't tolerate uppity colored people doing dumb things like voting or demanding constitutional rights. Those were meant only for the white people."
"Is slavery still legal?
"No, Bertie Bob, Mississippi outlawed it in 1995 when we ratified the 13th Amendment to the Constitution."
"Why did it take so long?"
"Well, Martha Bob, you have to understand that decent conservatives just don't go rushing into making important decisions. It takes time to figure out all the issues and their implications. Thirteen decades seemed about the right time."
"I'm still confused Mr. Jim Bob. My pappy says that we got to keep the gummint out of our lives, like not allowing revenooers on our property. Don't all of them laws intrude on our rights?"
"Sometimes, you have to intrude for the good of society. That's why we have laws about who you can and can't marry?"
"You mean, me and--?"
"Yes, Jenny Bob, I was planning to talk to you about you and your brother. Marriage has to be between a man and a woman who aren't siblings."
"So, it's OK for me and Calvin Bob to marry?
"Since you're first cousins that's OK, just as long as marriage is between a man and a woman, as God intended."
"Is that why we don't like the coloreds and the Asians to marry us? I heard that half the state doesn't want intermarriages and the rest are the colored people."
"What people don't understand, Beauford Bob, is that we made those laws to help the colored people. Before the War Between the States--Praise Jeff Davis and Jesus, Hallelujah!--we allowed white slave owners to have sex with anyone they wanted, as long as they were women. But, then we realized that wasn't fair to the African people, because it diluted their purity. So, to protect the darkies, we didn't have any choice but to forbid whites from marrying anyone with even one-eighth dark blood."
"I heard about this thing called sodomy, which them homosexual and lesbian ladies practice. That's just yucky."