We refuse to rear our children in a homosexual Russia. Gayness slams against everything we cherish in our masculine history. We could never bow before leaders named Ivan the Twink, Auntie Joe Stalin, or Peter the Great.
Nor will we allow aspersions against our paragons of pure, honorable, femininity. What's next? Will someone claim that our beloved Empress Catherine had relations with a horse?
Remember that you are in Russia, a nation so favored by God he blows up a meteor over our skies, once a century. We are not to be trifled with.
We Russians are no strangers to the obscenities that can be committed when one's back is turned. The thrust into Poland, the rape of Finland, the plunge into the Baltics, we know what a repressed bully can do to innocence.
But you are here visiting a smiling, friendly Russia where your moral health is our highest concern. We leave you with these words of wisdom from our peerless leader, Vladimir Poofter.
"Have fun when you're in Russia. Lift your heels in a gleeful Siberian Squat Dance, sing the maudlin dirge of the Volga Boatman, raise a glass to the celebration of heterosexual humanity that is the Sochi Winter Games!
"But be careful when you drink our powerful, manly, Russian vodka. After six Stolis all the boys start to look like Justin Bieber."
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