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So Many Causes, So Little Time

By       Message Bob Patterson       (Page 2 of 3 pages) Become a premium member to see this article and all articles as one long page.     Permalink

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Now that President Obama is in office and is directing his best efforts towards ending the war in Afghanistan, it will no longer be necessary for this columnist to constantly harangue his faithful readers with diatribes about the absurdity of the continued slaughter and carnage involved in the commendable American efforts to convert that county's citizens over to advocates of democracy and free elections. Also, this year, as Christians celebrate the birth of the Prince of Peace, it will not be appropriate to suggest that former President Bush, who ignored the precepts of war established at the Nuremberg Trials or the rules of the Geneva Conventions, deserves a severe reprimand in the form of another War Crime Trial for himself and some of the members of his administration. He didn't know that there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq (what better reason could there have been for invading Afghanistan?).

Americans have given 43 a "Get out of Jail" card, and so it will be necessary for columnists of both the conservative and progressive persuasion to find new and more compelling causes to espouse.

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We were pondering the monumental problem of deciding what crap to buy for friends for Christmas so that they could cram their closets with irrefutable evidence that they support capitalistic democracy via their effort to spend the country out of Great Depression 2.0 and not just by mouthing meaningless platitudes, such as "Peace on Earth good will to men (who should be tortured to prevent new terrorist attacks)," when we realized that the Christmas scenes that depict polar bears (Ursus martimus) lurking in the background of the images of Santa may become anachronisms when the last polar bear drowns in an ice free Artic Ocean.

Bill O'Reilly made a pledge to America that he would protect them from pinheads in the media who disseminated faulty information. O'Reilly is as much history as is "the Lone Ranger" program which must logically mean that the cry for Climate Justice is a legitimate concern. He's gone from radio and we're still here writing columns. Nice try, Bill! Guess the people just didn't buy your BS, eh? Hence, if we write about global warning, it will now be up to Uncle Rushbo to protect the hillbillies from pro science points of view.

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Speciescide happens. Folks who live in Berkeley know that UCB's mascot is the California Golden Bear (Ursus arctos callifornicu) and many of them also know that the last one of that species was shot in Tulare county in 1922. Therefore we will compose a column which will have the headline: "Dead polar bear walking!" and fictionalize an interview with the plight of a unfairly convicted (that never happens in the USA, but movie fans know that some unjustified executions do occur in places such as Saddam's Iraq) prisoner on death row.

What will happen in the future when there are summer heat waves and there are no polar bears in the local zoo to photograph? How will the wirephoto division of AP cope with that challenge?

There are good causes and there are bad causes, but are there any uncaused causes?

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Hmmm. As an ordained minister, this columnist has to wonder: Does the Berkeley cheerleading squad need the services of a volunteer chaplain?

George Carlin has said: "The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live." How many little boys and girls in Iraq would like to ask Santa to bring back their arms or legs?

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BP graduated from college in the mid sixties (at the bottom of the class?) He told his draft board that Vietnam could be won without his participation. He is still appologizing for that mistake. He received his fist photo lesson from a future (more...)

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