Good evening. Good evening. Here we are, the White House correspondents' dinner: Like a porn star says when she's about to have sex with a Trump, let's get this over with.
Yup, kiddos, this is who you're getting tonight. I'm going to skip a lot of the normal pleasantries. We're at a Hilton; it's not nice. This is on C-SPAN; no one watches that. Trump is president; it's not ideal.The White House Correspondents' Association, thank you for having me. The monkfish was fine.And just a reminder to everyone, I'm here to make jokes. I have no agenda. I'm not trying to get anything accomplished. So everyone that's here from Congress, you should feel right at home.Yeah, before we get too far, a little bit about me. A lot of you might not know who I am. I'm 32 years old, which is an odd age: 10 years too young to host this event and 20 years too old for Roy Moore. I know, he almost got elected, yeah. It was fun. It was fun.Honestly, I never really thought I'd be a comedian. But I did take an aptitude test in seventh grade -- and this is 100 percent true -- I took an aptitude test in seventh grade, and it said in my best profession was a clown or a mime.Well, at first it said clown, and then it heard my voice and then was like, "Or maybe mime. Think about mime."
And I know as much as some of you might want me to, it's 2018 and I am a woman, so you cannot shut me up -- unless you have Michael Cohen wire me $130,000. Michael, you can find me on Venmo under my porn star name, Reince Priebus.Reince just gave a thumbs up. OK.
Now, people are saying America is more divided than ever, but I think no matter what you support politically, we can all agree that this is a great time for craft stores. Because of all the protests, poster board has been flying off the shelves faster than Robert Mueller can say, "You've been subpoenaed."- Advertisement -
Thanks to Trump, pink yarn sales are through the roof. After Trump got elected, women started knitting those p*ssy hats. When I first saw them, I was like, "That's a p*ssy?" I guess mine just has a lot more yarn on it.Yeah, shoulda done more research before you got me to do this.
Now, there is a lot to cover tonight. There's a lot to go over. I can't get to everything. I know there's a lot of people that want me to talk about Russia and Putin and collusion, but I'm not going to do that because there's also a lot of liberal media here. And I've never really wanted to know what any of you look like when you orgasm.
Except for maybe you, Jake Tapper. I bet it's something like this: "OK, that's all the time we have."- Advertisement -
It is kind of crazy that the Trump campaign was in contact with Russia when the Hillary campaign wasn't even in contact with Michigan. It's a direct flight; it's so close.
Of course, Trump isn't here, if you haven't noticed. He's not here. And I know, I know, I would drag him here myself. But it turns out the president of the United States is the one p*ssy you're not allowed to grab.He said it first. Yeah, he did. Do you remember? Good.
Now, I know people really want me to go after Trump tonight, but I think we should give the president credit when he deserves it. Like, he pulled out the Paris agreement, and I think he should get credit for that because he said he was going to pull out and then he did. And that's a refreshing quality in a man. Most men are like, "I forgot. I'll get you next time." Oh, there's going to be a next time? People say romance is dead.People call Trump names all the time. And, look, I could call Trump a racist, a misogynist or xenophobic or unstable or incompetent or impotent. But he's heard all of those, and he doesn't care. So, tonight, I'm going to try to make fun of the president in a new way -- in a way that I think will really get him. Mr. President, I don't think you're very rich.
Like, I think you might be rich in Idaho, but in New York, you're doing fine. Trump is the only person that still watches "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" and thinks, "Me."Although, I'm not sure you'd get very far. He'd get to, like, the third question and be, like, "I have to phone a 'Fox & Friend.'"We're going to try a fun new thing, OK? I'm going to say, "Trump is so broke," and you guys go, "How broke is he?" All right?
Trump is so broke.[AUDIENCE: How broke is he?]He has to fly failed business class.Trump is so broke.[AUDIENCE: How broke is he?]He looked for foreign oil in Don Jr.'s hair.Trump is so broke.[AUDIENCE: How broke is he?]He -- Southwest used him as one of their engines.I know, it's so soon. It's so soon for that joke. Why did she tell it? It's so soon.Trump is so broke.[AUDIENCE: How broke is he?]He had to borrow money from the Russians, and now he's compromised and not susceptible to blackmail and possibly responsible for the collapse of the republic.Yay! It's a fun game.
Trump is racist, though. He loves white nationalists, which is a weird term for a Nazi. Calling a Nazi a white nationalist is like calling a pedophile a kid friend or Harvey Weinstein a ladies' man -- which isn't really fair; he also likes plants.Trump's also an idea guy. He's got loads of ideas. You gotta love him for that. He wants to give teachers guns, and I support that, 'cause then they can sell them for things they need, like supplies. A lot of protractors.A lot of people want Trump to be impeached. I do not. Because just when you think Trump is awful, you remember Mike Pence. Mike Pence is what happens when Anderson Cooper isn't gay.- Advertisement -
Mike Pence is the kind of guy that brushes his teeth and then drinks orange juice and thinks, "Mmm." Mike Pence is also very anti-choice. He thinks abortion is murder, which, first of all, don't knock it till you try it. And when you do try it, really knock it. You know, you got to get that baby out of there.And, yes, sure, you can groan all you want. I know a lot of you are very antiabortion. You know, unless it's the one you got for your secret mistress. It's fun how values can waiver. But good for you. Mike Pence is a weirdo, though. He's a weird little guy. He won't meet with other women without his wife present. When people first heard this, they were like, "That's crazy." But now, in this current climate, they're like, "That's a good witness."Which, of course, brings me to the Me Too movement; it's probably the reason I'm here. They were like, "A woman's probably not going to jerk off in front of anyone, right?" And to that, I say, "Don't count your chickens." There's a lot of party.
Now, I've worked in a lot of male-dominated fields. Before comedy, I worked at a tech company and, before that, I worked on Wall Street. And, honestly, I've never really been sexually harassed. That being said, I did work at Bear Stearns in 2008. So, although I haven't been sexually harassed, I've definitely been fucked. Yeah, that whole company went down on me without my consent. And no men got in trouble for that one either.
No, things are changing. Men are being held accountable. You know, Al Franken was ousted. That one really hurt liberals. But I believe it was the great Ted Kennedy who said, "Wow, that's crazy; I murdered a woman."
Chappaquiddick -- in theaters now.