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President Conducts Disquisition On New Anti-Terrorist Plans

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"So it is wrong and untrue for that wacko, the aptly named Dick Cheney, to claim the CIA was not doing its job. Cheney has called me privately to give me his own plan, just like he used to tell George Bush what to do. Cheney says that the way to stop terrorists from blowing up airplanes in flight is to stop people from flying. That way terrorists will have to blow up airplanes on the ground, where nobody will get hurt. He says nobody ever heard of an airplane falling out of the ground, so people will be safe.

"Cheney suggested to me that we give all people who want to be terrorists the key to the big parking lot in the Arizona desert where all the thousands of airplanes not currently in use are kept. This would enable the terrorists to blow up all the airplanes they want, with nobody being hurt. As a side benefit, we would find out who the terrorists are because they would have to apply for keys to the parking lot, and we could also track them on the parking lot to find out what particular type of plane each likes to blow up.

"Cheney," continued the President, "wants to turn the whole country into a no fly zone. He carries this to the point where he wants to revoke the Presidential Medal of Freedom given to the Wright brothers. He said to me, "Anyway, Brack (he runs my first initial and middle name together like I was some foul water), that medal should never have gone to the Wright brothers. It should have gone to Alberto Santos Dumas.' I had some of our analysts take some time off from connecting dots and filling in colors in order to check this out, and they reported back that it's true. This broke the CIA string of 287 consecutive mistakes, but I decided not to do it anyway.

"Before announcing my final decision about this, however, I called former President Bush to get his view on it. At first I got a wrong number. The guy on the other end said "I think you've got a wrong number. This is George H. W. Bush. I think you're looking for George W. Bush.' But he gave me the phone number of George W. Bush and I then called him. His advice was "If the aptly named Dick Cheney tells you to do it, then do it.'

"I thanked him for the advice, and told him that I had already decided against it and was just calling him for fun. "There are so few of us ex Presidents or soon-to-be-ex Presidents around,' I said, "so I thought it would be good fun to call you.' I also thanked him for not publicly opposing any of my plans or initiatives, and he graciously replied, "Well, I've learned that people hate my guts and think I'm stupid. But you are following the same policies I did with regard to war and the economy, so you are helping rehabilitate my name in history. I'm happy about that and so there is no way I am going to speak out against what you're doing.'"

After these discussions, I asked the President whether there was any truth to the rumor that we are going to make it harder to obtain visas, so that it will be harder for terrorists to get into the United States and even to get on planes heading for the United States. "Yes," he said, "we are going to do that. In fact, we are also going to require Americans to get visas to get into Washington, D.C. or to get on planes headed for Washington. Unless they are lobbyists carrying brown paper bags full of cash. Or Senators or Congressmen coming to Washington to pick up the cash. People will also have to sit in their seats and not go to the bathroom for the last three hours of their flight, including before the plane takes off if necessary.

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Lawrence R. Velvel is a cofounder and the Dean of the Massachusetts School of Law, and is the founder of the American College of History and Legal Studies.
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